Love & Hope & Sex & Dreams
by TVJunkie1013
Summary: GC - Gil's got the night off. Cath's in charge. She finds something unexpected and gets some interesting information about her best friend. (COMPLETE)
1. Chapter 1

**Author**: Lisa M  
**Pairing**: Gil and Catherine, of course.  
**Rating**: PG13 - bad words.  
**Spoilers**: Yes. If you haven't seen every single episode from the Pilot through Bloodlines, there's a 100chance you could be spoiled.  
**Disclaimer**: If I owned them, I wouldn't need to write fanfic.  
**Feedback**: Always appreciated...good or bad. Public or private.  
**Archive**: Graveyard and Anywhere else, just let me know so I can visit and then brag about your site to others.  
  
**A/N**: This story is as close to canon as possible...but liberties were taken in some places and a few changes made in others. The title? Borrowed. BoDeans, second album. It belongs to them. Thanks to my awesome beta, Angie. You rule, chica! If there are any errors...blame the author.

**A/N II:** This story started out as a co-authoring venture between myself and Pam. Unfortunately, Pam had to leave the project. I just wanted to say a quick thanks to her for all she did...so thanks Pam!

On with the show. Enjoy kiddies!!!

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"Damn it, Grissom!" Catherine's angry voice shattered the silence that had settled within the empty office. She slammed one drawer of Gil Grissom's desk shut and yanked open another. "You want everyone to think you're soooooo efficient. Sooooo organized."

Although she realized that she was talking to herself, she didn't care. Catherine Willows was pissed off.

"You may have everyone else fooled, but I know better. I know you and you're definitely not Mr. Perfect." She shuffled some papers around. "Where are those forms? Every time you leave me in charge, I clean this stupid desk. Every time! And I always put the damn shift forms right in there. In that drawer. But are they where I left them?" Catherine slammed the second drawer and jerked open a third. "Noooooo! Of course they're not! My life could never be that easy."

Leaning back in Grissom's chair, Catherine ground her knuckles against her tired eyes. Normally she didn't mind taking over shifts for Gil. But ever since his surgery, things had been pretty crazy around the lab and tonight was no exception. The caseload was light, but there were stacks of paperwork that Gil so thoughtfully left for her to complete. She had sent the rest of the team out and had stayed behind.

She had been sitting behind this desk for at least three hours and Catherine was getting very little frustrated. She took a few seconds to catch her breath and calm down, then she turned her attention back to the desk.

"Ok, Cath. Get a grip. The poor man had surgery recently, give him a break. This time." She removed some paperwork and miscellaneous odds and ends from the open drawer. Underneath she found a folder. Catherine closed her eyes. "Please, God, let these be the forms I need." She opened her eyes and flipped open the manila file. Her lips curled into a soft smile as she turned her gaze upwards. "Thanks. I owe You one, big time."

As Catherine began to push the drawer closed, she noticed a notebook. On the cover, in Grissom's calligraphy-like writing, was "Entomology - the Study of Insects. Instructed By: Gil Grissom" The smile grew larger as she realized what she had found.

"Holy crap!" Catherine pulled the notebook from its hiding place. She traced the title softly with the tips of her fingers. "God. I can't believe Grissom still has the notes from his class. This was the one he was teaching when we met!"

Flipping open the cover, she laughed. Next to his perfectly written notes, Gil had drawn little pictures of bugs. Doodles of beetles, bees, flies, spiders, and all kinds of other insects crawled and flew along the margins.

"I wonder why he's got this here? I can't remember ever seeing it in here before."

Catherine shrugged and glanced through the book until she came to some blank pages. She was about to close it and return it to the drawer, when she happened to catch a glimpse of more writing on pages further back. Catherine flipped through the blank pages. When she found the one she was searching for, her breath caught. The words she saw written on the first line were startling.

**_I met the most beautiful woman in the world tonight. Her name is Catherine._**

Beneath Grissom's writing was a sketch...of her.

It was a perfect likeness. All the way down to the small, light freckles that had peppered her nose and cheeks when she was still in the prime of her youth.

A painstakingly, hand-drawn snapshot of the past.

Catherine stared into her own face for what seemed like hours. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. If the words hadn't been in Gil's own hand, and if her face wasn't peering back up at her, Catherine would have thought this was someone's idea of a joke. But the evidence was right there. Right in front of her very eyes.

"I can't read this." Catherine closed the notebook, returned it to the drawer and swiveled the chair away from the desk. "It would be an invasion of his privacy. I can't do that to him." She stood and tried to distract herself by looking at Grissom's bug collection, but her eyes kept returning to the desk. To the closed drawer. Finally, with a sigh of resignation, Catherine plopped back into the chair. She grasped the handle and pulled the drawer open. The blue notebook stared up at her accusingly. It was almost as if Gil Grissom himself had possessed the spiral-bound item.

"Don't do it Cath. You might open up a world of trouble," she thought silently. "One you'll never be able to close."

Catherine dismissed her inner voice with a self-conscious laugh and flipped the notebook open. She saw the same words as before.

**_I met the most beautiful woman in the world tonight. Her name is Catherine._**

This time, her eyes traveled below the drawing and she continued reading.

**_Catherine. Even her name is beautiful. Jim handed me an assignment tonight. Strip club interrogation. I don't really care to go to strip clubs, even in a work situation, so I tried to stall - convince him to have someone else go. But he kept pushing and pushing. Finally, I agreed, not knowing that my life would change forever. So, I walked into this place, The French Palace, and the first thing I saw was her. She was dancing up on the main platform. I think I stopped breathing for a minute. She was a vision. Long reddish-blonde hair that shimmered like rays of sunlight, and beautiful blue-green eyes. Her flawless body was barely covered by a kelly green push-up bra and matching g-string. I watched as she stripped away her bra, revealing the most perfect breasts I'd ever seen. I'm not sure how long I was just standing there watching, but I was pulled out of my trance by the sound of the bartender's voice._**

Catherine paused in her reading. Her lungs started burning. She had stopped breathing. Warm air wooshed from between her lips when she released her breath, and cool air filled her strained lungs as she inhaled deeply.

"I remember that night. Gil talked to me after my set, questioned me. He was so professional while he was doing it. I had no idea that he felt, that he thought..." Her voice failed, so she turned her eyes back to Gil's writing.

**_I got some wonderful news today. Catherine has decided she wants to be a CSI. I had given her my card the night in the strip club, and told her to call if she had any questions. I was shocked when she did just that. It was weeks later. The case had been solved. She didn't have questions about that. She asked about becoming a CSI. I couldn't believe it! She said it seemed like a fascinating job. Like putting together giant jigsaw puzzles. She asked what she needed to do to become an investigator. So she's going to start school next semester and take all the classes. And that's not even the best part. She wants to come to work with me when she's finished. She said she really wants to get her life on track and I think that's great. I wish I could say that I had something to do with her decision, but I don't think that I did. Besides, I really don't care what her reasons are, she wants to work with me. I'll get to see her, work with her, be with her, almost every day. I couldn't ask for anything better than that._**

Catherine sighed. He had been part of the reason why she had chosen to become a CSI. In the short time they had spent together in the strip club that night, she had made her decision to change careers. She had watched him as he questioned everyone...as he glanced around the club with an open, yet somewhat cynical expression. In the span of a few hours, she had become completely engrossed with the idea of becoming a CSI.

With thoughts of him, too.

She had found herself liking him a lot. In her line of work, she didn't meet too many men like Gil Grissom. He was very appealing...in many ways. He was smart, funny, interesting, complex, genuine.

"And very handsome," she added, completing her own thoughts. "I guess he had more to do with my decision than even I knew."

**_She's getting married. I can't believe it. Catherine is getting married. I knew deep down that there was a possibility this could happen, but a part of me was holding on to hope. Hope that maybe she would someday see me as more than a friend. I wish I could find a way to make sense of this, but I can't. I wish I knew how to tell her about my feelings, but I don't. I love her, I know I do. I've been too scared to tell her how I feel and now, I can't. It's over. We'll never be together. I have to accept it and try to move on. How? I don't know._**

Her gaze drifted down. To her left hand. The finger that once held the wedding ring from Ed. She traced it with the tips of her fingers. It felt like an eternity since she'd worn that ring...and even longer since it had really meant anything even close to resembling a commitment between Eddie and she. She actually wished she had never worn it. She hated thinking about it...her marriage.

"If you had only opened your mouth and said something, Gil." She shook her head. "Maybe things would've been different."

Catherine winced when she began to read his next entry. She knew where it was going before she even read the second sentence. Remembered all too well...

**_She came to me last night. I somehow knew it was her as soon as I heard the phone ring. She asked if she could crash on my couch. That 'things had gotten a little out of control at home' and she needed somewhere to stay. Just for the night. Of course I let her come. I knew it would just about kill me to have her so close, but at the same time I couldn't say no. She had a black eye and a large, bloody scratch across one cheek. As I cleaned and bandaged her battered face, I felt a red-hot fury building inside of me. I knew he had put his hands on her. I wanted to kill the bastard for touching her...for hurting her. I started to say something, but Catherine simply smiled and placed her fingers to my lips. 'Just hug me and say goodnight, Gil,' she said. She's so strong. I don't know why she puts up with him. I did as she asked. I hugged her tightly and kissed her on the cheek. The pain in her body was obvious. She winced as she slowly lowered herself onto the couch. I offered my bed, but she refused. Over the years I've learned not to fight her decisions, so I agreed. I covered her with a warm blanket and brushed a stray lock of hair from her face. She told me that I was her best friend. Those words made me want to cry. Or scream. Maybe both, but I resisted the urge. I made sure she was comfortable and then went to my bedroom. After I was sure she was sleeping, I slipped into the living room. I slept in the chair across the room from her. I may not be able to protect her in her own home, but nothing is going to happen to her while she's here...not on my watch. That's for damn sure!_**

There were many entries in Gil's journal that read almost exactly the same as that one. Catherine remembered each night vividly. Gil had always been there when she needed him...always. Her heart climbed into her throat as she continued to read his heartfelt words. She had known he was upset each time she showed up on his doorstep, but she thought it had been because they were friends and colleagues...and the fact that he hated men who beat their wives. And those reasons were part of it, but now she knew things ran much deeper than that. It was personal to Gil because he was in love with her.

**_Today, I found out that Catherine is going to have a baby. I am so happy for her, but there is a part of me that is angry. How can they bring a child into that volatile situation? I mean, Ed already beats on Cath. What if he decides to shift his abuse to their child? I can barely hold back on giving the guy a taste of his own medicine right now. I don't think I'll be able to stop myself from ripping him apart if he lays one hand on that baby. But I really don't want to think about that. The other part of me is jealous. I wish it were me...that I was the father of this baby._**

"Me too, Gil," Catherine said, brushing away a lone tear.

_**Catherine called me tonight. She had a little girl. Lindsey. I rushed to the hospital the second after I hung up the telephone. Lindsey... she's perfect. And so beautiful. Just like her mother. The moment I held her in my arms, I was in love. Cath introduced me to her as 'Uncle Gil.' I almost cried. I wish I was 'daddy'...but I was happy all the same. I stared down into her angelic face and she smiled up at me. My heart leapt. I swear I could've held that baby forever. It felt so natural. But Ed showed up. At the sight of him, I felt physically sick. I kissed little Lindsey and handed her to Cath. I left without even acknowledging him. God, it should be me in there...with Cath and Lindsey. Not him. If I had just said something in the beginning, maybe it would've been me.**_

Catherine sniffled, but said nothing.

**_I caught him. I caught that bastard! He's cheating on her. I can't believe it! I saw him with someone else. With my own two eyes. How can he do that to her? I would give anything to have her...and he does. He has her. And he treats her like garbage. I could wring his neck! God, what do I do now? Do I tell her? No, I can't do that. It will break her heart. I could never forgive myself for doing that to her. I hope she never finds out that I know. If she does, she'll hate me forever. But I can't tell her. I can't handle the thought of wrecking her life. I'd die if I were the one responsible for making her sad. I couldn't bear it. I hope I never see Ed Willows again, I may not be able to restrain myself._**

Fresh anger rose up within Catherine, but it dissipated almost as quickly as it came. How could she be mad at Gil? He hadn't kept that secret to hurt her...he had kept it to keep from hurting her.

Originally, she had been furious with Gil when she found out he'd known about Ed. When she finally caught him, Ed had said he was surprised that "Grissom didn't tell" her. That he knew Gil had seen him out. When Catherine confronted him, Gil said he didn't want to get involved. It wasn't his business. That had made her even angrier. But amazingly enough, she had gotten over it very quickly. Their friendship had been unharmed by the situation. Catherine chuckled softly to herself. These days, they even joked around about it. She smiled. It was hard to stay mad at Gil Grissom...for anything. A tragic flaw that she had to live with. Besides, she had never really blamed him anyway.

"He didn't want to be the one to break my heart." Catherine ran her fingers over his writing, caressing it lightly. "Because he loves me, and if my heart gets broken, so does his. That's so...Gil," she said with a small smile.

**Continued in Chapter 2**


	2. Chapter 2

**Rating**: PG13 - bad words.  
**Disclaimer**: Again, would I be writing fanfic if I owned them?

**SPOILER WARNING: **This chapter is taken from Season 1. If you haven't seen all eps from this season, you will be spoiled.

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**_I called Sara Sidle today. I needed an impartial person to look into the problems with Warrick, as well as the whole situation involving Holly's murder. Sara was the only person I could think of who could do it. I didn't want to call her. I didn't want to drag all that up again. She was in my seminar in San Francisco. From the first day, I knew she had a crush on me. Truth be told, it was kind of flattering. Here was this woman, 15 years my junior, following me around like a love-struck schoolgirl. How could it not be? Anyway, she would stay behind after everyone else had left and ask questions about the lecture. I knew she was flirting with me, but I'd ignore her obvious come-ons and answer the questions. She even tried to kiss me once. I backed away when she leaned in. I told her that I had no intention of getting into a relationship with her. I had never even entertained the thought. But I did offer her friendship. I could tell she was crushed. It took her a long time to get over it. Eventually she did, and we sort of kept in touch over the years. We did become friends, but every time we spoke, there was a strange vibe between us. I'm almost positive it's because she still has feelings for me. Sometimes I think she's convinced I feel the same way. I've told her I don't, but I'm not sure she believes me. But I do trust her. In the end, that's why I made the call._**

"I knew it! I knew Sara had a thing for Grissom!" Catherine's voice was filled with vindication. "She really needs to learn to hide her feelings a little bit better."

_**I didn't have much of a choice though. Things have been so bad around here lately. With Holly's death and Warrick's self-destructive behavior, I had to do something. To top it all off, Jim was moved back to homicide and I was put in charge of the unit. Cath demanded to be put on Holly's case. I said no because of her personal involvement. She took the case anyway and told me to fire her. I would never do that, of course, but now things are sort of tense between us. I guess I just have to cross my fingers and hope that things work out ok...that asking Sara to come to Vegas wasn't a mistake on my part. If her being here makes the situation between Cath and me worse - if it harms what we have - it will destroy me.**_

"Come on, Gil." Catherine chuckled smugly. "Like I would allow a little girl like Sara to get in my way concerning anything. Including you."

_**Well, Cath and Sara definitely don't like each other. But that's ok. I knew they wouldn't become best friends no matter what the situation was. But they're both professionals. Things will run smoothly in the lab. Cath and I made up. She tracked down Holly's killer, but had to get a DNA sample from under her fingernails. I knew she was upset, so I met her at the morgue, just in case she needed me. She said she probably did need me, and that made me feel so good. In that moment, I knew we'd be fine.**_

"Things never stay bad for long. That's just the way things are between us."

**_Lindsey's turning six this week. I can't believe it! She's growing up so fast. I bought her a chemistry set. I'm such a geek. But I couldn't stop myself from buying it. When I showed it to Cath, she sort of had a melt down. She snapped at Sara, which didn't surprise me much. But she also snapped at Nick, and that was not like her at all. I guess Lindsey doesn't want a party this year and Cath thinks it has something to do with her. That's it's somehow her fault. She's worried that all Lindsey sees is her working, not having any fun, and that it's making her weird. That she's copying Catherine. I reassured her that if Lindsey turns out like her, that she'd be perfect. I may not have used those exact words, but it's what I meant. She thought I was only trying to make her feel better. And in a small way, I was. But God, I wish I had told her how I really feel. I should have. Cath called me later. Told me that the reason Lindsey didn't want a party was because she wanted to spend some time alone with her mother. I wanted to say 'I told you so' but I didn't. The whole thing really just made me smile._**

"Me, too."

**_We had another major disagreement. It was awful. We are working on a case...a woman had been found dead. Wendy Barger. We eventually found out that she was having an affair. I should have pulled Cath off the case right then and there because of her personal experience with a cheating spouse. Especially when she brought up the fact that she wished someone would have told her about Ed. She meant me, of course. But I didn't reassign her. I couldn't. And it was for purely selfish reasons. I wanted to work with her, be with her. Anyway, she ended up compromising the investigation by telling the husband about the affair. I had to call her on it. I didn't have a choice. She took my comments pretty hard and took a couple of personal shots at me. She sarcastically said that she should be more like me...locked in my townhouse, alone and without any relationships. Her words stung pretty badly, so without thinking, I struck back out of hurt. I told her that I never screw up cases with personal stuff. I could tell that comment hit home. She slammed back at me by saying 'What personal stuff?' And she called me 'Grissom'...not 'Gil'. I know I winced, I felt it. But I let her walk away without saying anything. She was right. As harsh as her words were, I can't deny their truth. I don't have any personal stuff...at least that anyone knows about. Maybe someday that will be different. Thankfully, we called a truce and made up. I hope we never fight again. I'm sure we will, but I can hope. Right?_**

Catherine laughed lightly.

"Hope all you want, my dear Gil. But in the world the rest of us live in, the 'real world', fights are a normal part of life." She smirked. "Besides, we're so different, there's bound to be some friction...good and bad. That's what makes our situation so enjoyable."

_**Something sort of shocking happened though. We went to this restaurant, 'The Grill'. The night Wendy died, she and her lover had eaten there. I was familiar with the place because I had been there before. Cath asked why we were there and I commented that it was the only place within ten miles of Callville Bay that served calamari - calamari had been found in Wendy's stomach. She asked how I knew and I said that I'd been there for the calamari. Then she asked if I came alone. I made a stupid comment about not having it alone...that I sometimes had a beer with it. But thinking back, I swear it sounded like she may have been insinuating that she wanted me to take her there sometime. But that can't be possible...can it?**_

"Well, I wasn't trying to get a dinner out of you." Catherine smiled softly. "But I would've said yes...if you had asked."

**_What a mess! Eddie was accused of raping a stripper. Turns out, he didn't do it. The sex was consensual, but that wasn't the problem. Catherine took the case. I tried to talk her out of it, but she wouldn't listen. After she did the prelim, I asked her how she was feeling about the case. She responded that she didn't know what she felt. I told her to hand the case over to Warrick. I should've known better. I never should have allowed her to have any part of this case. I was worried - concerned that she might compromise the investigation because of their history. Especially after talking to her about the bruises found on the victim. She said that just because there are bruises, it doesn't mean anything. That Ed was always 'enthusiastic'. I wasn't quite sure what she meant. Warrick noticed my uncertainty and clarified by saying that Ed liked it through. The comment took me back to the days before they separated. All the nights she came to me with bruises from Ed's 'enthusiasm'. And the memory of those days made me ill. But that wasn't the only reason I didn't want her on this particular case. The main reason was that I didn't want her near Ed. I don't want her around him, especially after I asked her if she still loved him. She didn't say no. What if they had decided to get back together? That would've killed me. Thank God they didn't. I sound like a jealous boyfriend, don't I? Well, I felt like a jealous boyfriend._**

"Wow. Who knew you had such a jealous streak in you, Gil." Catherine felt sort of stupid for talking out loud when there was no one there to hear her, but she couldn't seem to stop doing it.

**_Paul Milander is back. Damnit! I can't believe I had him all those months ago, and he tricked me! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! At least I worked with Cath on it. It made the situation easier to bear. Disco helped a lot too. He's the one who matched up the victim's voice recordings and helped us isolate the sound of paper scripts rustling in the background. I really appreciated his help, but I swear I just about ripped his eyes out of his head! The way he looked at Cath when I introduced them. It made me insane. There's no denying the fact that she's a gorgeous woman, and I can't control it when other men admire that beauty, but sometimes I wish the world was blind. That I was the only one who could see her._**

"How sweet." She smiled. "I can't even imagine what this journal would say if we had been friends when I was dancing. It might have gotten ugly."

_**We had a pretty disturbing case this week. I'm still a little uneasy about the outcome. A mob killed a man on an airplane. A man who was sick and couldn't control his actions. It was sad. And to make things even worse, Sara was at it again. Flirting with me the entire time we were going over the interior of the plane. Trying to bait me by bringing up the fact that she is a member of the 'mile high club'. I'm not sure what she was trying to do. Get me to ask if she could make me a member? Right. Don't think so. The only woman I want to have sex with is Catherine. In a plane bathroom, a car, a bed...I don't care where as long as it's with her. Anyway, the passengers weren't cooperating completely, but I needed their shoes to run a test. Since Catherine was the one working with them, I asked her to get them for me. She's more of a people person than I am, but according to her, that didn't matter to these people. I said please and tried to be as flirty as I could - I even made a pretty sad attempt at puppy dog eyes. I felt pretty stupid and she looked at me like I was nuts, but she relented and got the shoes.**_

"Ugh. Gris and Sara? The mile-high club?" Catherine gagged and shook her head to dislodge the image. "Make me puke."

**_I found out that Warrick has been in the casinos again. Sara brought me a tape...all the proof I needed. Today when I was handing out assignments, Cath asked what I was going to do about the situation. I told her I didn't know. As she was leaving the room, she touched me on the shoulder. I guess she was trying to show me her support, no matter what decision I made. It didn't matter why she did it, all I cared about is the fact that she touched me. Sara had to ruin the moment for me by getting on my case about Warrick. The fact that she had filed her report and corresponding recommendations. I wished she would've left it alone. Her opinion on the matter was not going to affect my decision. I assigned him to work on her case. She was a little pissed off at me. She barged in and started on me with both barrels blazing. She demanded that I take him off the case, which I didn't do. Thank God Catherine popped in and interrupted us. She told me she had something I'd want to see. Does she ever! But that has nothing to do with work. She had found a clue that lead us to figure out that five women had been murdered along I-15. It turned out a trucker and his girlfriend were luring women into the semi and killing them. They were keeping the bodies frozen in the back of it. It was pretty sick. We found the most recently abducted woman alive because the girlfriend rolled over and told us where she was. We were so relieved. It's not like we find people alive very often. After the case was closed, I asked Cath to come over so I could make breakfast. To celebrate. Her lead was the one that broke the case, after all. I'm so proud of her! She accepted my invitation. We sat, ate omelets and laughed. It was a great day!_**

"I could go for a famous 'Grissom omelet right about now," Catherine mussed, her stomach growling in agreement.

**_Why does Cath feel the need to torture me? She leans over me to get my attention. She does it all the time. Leans in so close that I can smell her soft perfume, her hair, and even her soap. Bends over so far that I can see right down her shirt. Jesus! When she did it today, the thought crossed my mind to just grab her and kiss her. But I didn't. It's actually a good thing that I didn't because the rest of the staff was behind her. I was so flustered that I hadn't noticed them standing there. I had to assign Cath to a different case than mine. I didn't think I'd be able to get any work done with her around. I wonder if she does this to me on purpose?_**

Catherine just smirked and kept reading.

**_I found out that Cath always expects the worst in most situations. She told me it's because if she expects the worst, she's never disappointed...and sometimes is nicely surprised. I wonder how she got that way. Her childhood? Her marriage? Maybe someday I'll ask her. I really grossed her out during our investigation. It was great! We were searching for bones in the desert and I found a small piece of what could've been one. To make sure, I put the piece on my tongue to see whether it was porous or not. She freaked out and asked if I'd had my Hepatitis B shot. A few minutes later, I found what I thought was a wrist bone. She asked if I wanted to suck it. At that moment, I wished I were more like Nick or Warrick, because they might have been able to say what I was thinking...or would have at least insinuated it. That no, I didn't, but there were plenty of places on her body that I would love to test for porousness. I did get a little bit angry with her, though. She called in Terri to help us identify the bones. And while I understand her reasons for doing it, I really wish she'd checked with me first. I guess it's possible that Cath did it to mess with my comfort zone. Who knows? I did ask Terri out to dinner and we went. She asked if I was uncomfortable away from work. I told her no, but that was a lie. Not only was I uncomfortable, but I was thinking about Catherine the entire time. So when my pager went off, and then my cell phone, I was relieved. Terri left when I answered my phone. I felt bad that I had pretty much blown her off, but not disappointed that the date was over. I wanted to be somewhere else with someone else anyway._**

"He was thinking of me on his date? I guess I was wrong about his feelings for Terri." Catherine paused, then finished her thought smugly. "Good."

**_What is it with me and the way I always react to strippers and showgirls? I've lived in Vegas for so many years, you'd think I'd be immune. Cath and I were working on the Portia Richmond case and we were in this club talking to one of the managers. Four or five showgirls walked past and I couldn't stop myself from gawking at them. Catherine noticed and told me to close my mouth. I wonder if I reacted the same way when I first saw her on that stage all those years ago? Those showgirls weren't even in the same league as Cath, so I'm betting I did. It was probably much worse. Like I was drooling while I was staring. We went backstage and I found one of Portia's music boxes. It was a huge break and I couldn't stop myself from smiling at Cath. She asked me why I was smiling and I told her the music box was playing our song. From that day on, whenever I hear 'Waltz of the Flowers' I'll think of her. We figured out that Portia had been given a music box every year on each anniversary. Cath mentioned that Ed gave her a lace teddy on the anniversary of the day they met. I couldn't help but look at her and imagine what she'd look like in one of them. I almost had to go take a cold shower! Later on, we caught the stupid couple (who turned out to be brother and sister...how sick is that?!?) that was house sitting for Portia, having sex in her bed. I'm sure it was staged, but as creeped out and embarrassed as I was, I still wished it had been Cath and me getting caught rolling around naked in that room. I was so aroused that when we got up to the room to investigate, I was actually able to say what I was thinking. Sort of. I said something like 'Shall we do the room too?' When I heard the words come out of my mouth, I couldn't believe I'd actually said them. Cath smiled and I almost kissed her. I didn't of course. Later that week, I walked up behind Greg as he and Cath were talking about her dancing days. She saw me walking up, but just let Greg go on embarrassing himself. When she said she wore nothing when she danced, he sort of groaned a little. I guess she thought the conversation had gone far enough because she cleared her throat and looked over her shoulder at me. Greg turned around and saw me standing there. After he left, she simply smirked at me, like she was trying to tease me. I wanted to say something so bad, but I held my tongue. She really makes me nuts sometimes._**

"Greg? Wearing Portia's hat? Gil standing there glaring?" Laughter burst from Catherine. "What a great day!"

**_I finally snapped. I saw Ed grab her, throw her into the wall and I snapped. I jumped between them and pushed Ed into the glass window. I wanted to hit him so bad, but I didn't. Out of respect for Catherine. I warned him to stay away from here. That this was our place of business. He made a snide little comment about knowing that she and I had always had a 'thing.' I guess he knew she always came to me when they fought. That's the only reason why I could imagine he'd think we had something going on together. But, as much as I've wanted her over the years, I have never taken advantage. All those times she came to me - sometimes drunk, sometimes high, sometimes neither - I never ever acted on my feelings. Not once. And it makes me sick to think that he feels like he has a right to treat her that way, even now. After their separation. What makes things worse is that even though they are apart, I still haven't told her how much I love her._**

"You should've taken that swing, my friend. Believe me, I wouldn't have minded in the least little bit."

**_I made a huge mistake today. I brought Tammy Felton/Melissa Marlowe's parents out of their interrogation room so they could see their daughter. It was a mess and I almost compromised the investigation by doing it. Cath called me on it. She asked me what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking at all. I had wanted to observe them. That was the problem. These people hadn't seen their daughter in 21 years. 'Did I think a glass wall would keep them apart?' Cath had asked. And of course I hadn't thought about that. She knew I hadn't...because I'm not good with people. I never have been, but Cath actually saying it hammered the nail home in my mind. I realized that if I was good with people, maybe I would be able to tell her how I feel and I wouldn't be living my life in an emotional jail. Since I couldn't disagree with her - I had no valid argument - I just agreed and let the matter drop._**

"For once it wasn't me making a mistake," she said with a sigh. "I'm not saying that I'm glad you screwed up a little. It's just good to see that I'm not the only one who isn't perfect...that even you have some faults."

**_At the start of tonight's shift, I ran into Catherine coming out of my office. She told me she was taking the carnival case. I had no idea what she was talking about. A six-year-old girl was found dead on a carnival ride and Cath wanted the case. She said the paperwork was on my desk. If anyone else had been going through my desk, I would've been furious...but this was Catherine. I made a joke and asked if she'd straightened up while she was in there. I know I smiled when I said it, and I thought she knew I was just giving her a hard time, but it seemed like she really thought I was serious. She asked if she'd overstepped. I just shook my head. Of course I wasn't upset with her! I told her to take Sara and Cath said she was already meeting her at the scene. All I could do was watch her walk away, wishing I was the one meeting her at the scene._**

"I wish it had been you too, Gil." The longing sound of her words shocked her. "And it's not just because I'd rather work with just about anyone rather than Sara...especially on a case involving a child. I'd rather work with you on anything. I enjoy being with you."

**_I hate this time of year...staff evaluations. It's one of the things I dislike about being a supervisor. Cath was giving me a hard time this morning because I had forgotten where Warrick was and why he was late for our meeting. She said that maybe they should be evaluating me. I joked back that she was a real riot...but I almost wish they were the ones doing the evaluating. Anyway, she and I were working on a decapitation case. Head found in a car trunk, but no body at the time. We popped in to see Al to find out what he'd learned from the head. He was listening to rock music. It was the day shift coroner actually. I thought he was pretty good. Al asked Cath what she thought and she said it sucked. I was shocked. She's blunt, but usually not that blunt. She commented that she'd just filed for divorce and was feeling confident. I just said I guessed so...but inside I was cheering. It was the happiest news I'd heard in a very long time. When we were looking at the wounds on the neck, Cath mentioned the practice chops on it. I figured it had been dark or the suspect had bad aim. Cath said it was a crime of passion. I couldn't believe a woman could've done it. She said 'I could've' under her breath. She scares me sometimes. But you know what? The fact that she's a little bit scary at times, sort of turns me on. Crazy, I know. I guess Al and I grossed her out when we started talking about boiling the head because she left pretty quick. I was disappointed, but didn't follow her. I knew I'd see her again soon. Later in the week, she asked me about her evaluation. I wanted to tell her everything. That I thought she was wonderful, beautiful...that I loved her more than anything in the world. But I just told her to keep up the good work. I'm such an idiot. She opened up a door for me, and I didn't go through it._**

"That would've been one surprising evaluation."

**_I found out that the sheriff wants Cath to take over the strip strangler case, maybe even my job. _**

"Uh oh." Catherine didn't even need to read the second sentence to know what this entry was about. She took a deep breath and released it very slowly. "Well, let's just hope he's gentle with me here..."

_**I'm not upset about it...Cath deserves it. I guess I'm just pissed off at the way things are being handled. When she came in my office to tell me, she suggested that I needed to be more politic. She's probably right, but the only thing I could think of was that she was leaning over my desk and was close enough that I could kiss her. I actually thought about doing it, but Nick walked in before I could.**_

Catherine laughed. Had she known he was having such a hard time trying to kiss her, she would've just kissed him and got it over with. She went back to reading.

**_Just when I thought things couldn't get worse...they did. I got kicked off the case. Cath took over. I went home, took some migraine medication and crashed on the couch to take a short nap. I was surprised to wake up and find Catherine there. I thought I was dreaming, but there she was. I covered up my confusion by telling her I wasn't used to having people in my house, which of course she saw right through. She said I just didn't like it when I can't solve a case or command my troops. And she was right. I made a smart-ass comment about her coming to tell me about her new job. She'd passed on the promotion. She wanted to get it out of merit...not because I'm an idiot. Or as she said, because of my political tone-deafness._**

"I would never have done that to you, Gil." Catherine shook her head. "I wouldn't take your job away from you. Not ever."

_**Cath saved my life today. She had to kill a man, but she did. She did it to save me. She got there just in time, it was almost creepy. Like she knew I was in trouble and acted on it. I heard the shot, looked up, and there she was. She looked like an angel standing on those stairs. My guardian angel.**_

Catherine had come very close to losing him that day. If he had died, she would've been devastated. She didn't like to think about it...even for a second.

_**Afterwards, we went out for breakfast with the rest of the team. I felt so guilty for putting Cath in such a difficult position - concerning both the job and the shooting. I wasn't sure what to say so I just apologized. She was so gracious. Telling me I had nothing to apologize for. I really admire her. She lives her life without regret, without looking back. I wish I could be like that. My life is full of regrets. The biggest one being the lack of nerve to tell Cath how I feel. To take her in my arms, call her my own, and live happily ever after.  
**_

**Continued in Chapter 3**


	3. Chapter 3

**Rating**: PG13 - bad words.  
**Disclaimer**: Do I really need to keep saying it?

**SPOILER WARNING**: This chapter is taken from Season 2. If you haven't seen all eps from this season, you will be spoiled.

* * *

Catherine decided to take a break from reading so she could check in with the other three CSIs. Thankfully, case-wise, the shift was fairly slow and she had been able to stay around the office. Sara and Nick were assigned to a dead body that had been found in a car behind a casino. They would be out of the lab for another few hours. Warrick was doing some follow up on a few unsolved cases and would be heading back to the office as soon as he was finished. Catherine told him to take as long as he needed. She didn't want anyone walking in on her while she read.

After a quick stretch and a trip to the break room for a diet Coke, Catherine returned to the office, locked the door behind her, and picked up where she left off.

**_I don't know what to do about Sara. She crossed the line today and came into my personal space. We had been knocking out the walls at a scene looking for a body. We weren't finding anything and I was getting frustrated. I could feel my blood pressure rising and I didn't want to lose it in front of Warrick and Sara, so I went outside to calm down. Sara followed me out...which normally wouldn't be a big deal. She asked if I wanted to go for a walk to get some air and clear my head. I told her that I was fine. That's when she touched my face. She said she was just brushing plaster chalk off my cheek, but I'm not stupid. I saw what she was doing. It was reflected in her eyes. I flinched. I felt myself jerk slightly backward when she touched me. I wanted to grab her hand and tell her never to touch me again, but I was so shocked that it had even happened in the first place, I couldn't get the words out. God. I wish Catherine would touch me like that...with that same look in her eyes. I'd probably faint._**

"I touch you all the time, Gil. I mean, it's possible that I don't have that look on my face when I do it, but that doesn't mean the feeling isn't there."

**_Some kids found a body in a sandbox. I decided that Cath and I should work this one together. We went out to the site, and sure enough, there she was. Mona Taylor. I knew it was going to be tough to get her out of there. Cath appropriately said it was going to be a nightmare, but I told her that we sometimes had to destroy evidence to get evidence. She made a joke about it. I responded by telling her we had to choose a path at each crime scene, and that we risked destroying evidence by doing so. Then I called her 'grasshopper'. She came back with another smart-assed comment and called me 'master'. It was nice to be kidding around with Cath. We don't get to do it often, so those rare moments are precious to me. We tracked Mona to a bondage shop. I'm not even sure that's the right name for the place. I guess it doesn't matter much. We met a woman by the name of Lady Heather. She was the...uh...owner of the place. She asked Cath, Jim and me if we were there as customers. I was mortified. Cath? She just laughed. I'm sure she did it, at least in part, because of my obvious discomfort. Over the duration of the case, I found myself spending a lot of time with Lady Heather. She really intrigued me. She was able to tell me things about myself. Things I've never told anyone about. It freaked me out a little, but I was also drawn to her. I almost felt guilty. Like I was betraying Cath by spending so much time with Heather. But we needed her help, so I did what I could. The case was actually a pretty easy one. Man was married to a dominant, uncaring, unloving woman. Man went to sex shop, covered a woman in latex, pretended woman was his wife. Man wound up killing woman in a rage directed at his wife. It was ABC simple. Afterwards, Cath told me that we have a very healthy relationship. I had no idea what she meant by that so I asked her. She commented that when we have a problem, she doesn't paint Greg in liquid latex. I replied that he'd probably like it. She turned to me and wanted me to share something revealing. I should have come right out and told her that I'd love for her to paint me in liquid latex...whether we have a problem or not. But I didn't. I told her something silly instead. I felt like such an idiot! She had opened another door for me and I closed it without taking a single step forward. Damnit! Why am I so stupid?_**

"You told me that as a child, you begged your mom for a puppy and she got you an ant farm instead. I thought it was a very cute thing for you to tell me." She laughed lightly. "It did explain a lot about you though."

**_Here we go again! Paul Milander. I wish this guy would just go away. Cath and I were called to an identical 'suicide' scene. Only this time, Milander had wished me a happy birthday on the tape. It was so creepy to hear him say something as innocent as 'Happy Birthday, Mr. Grissom.' It was in that moment that both Cath and I realized that my birthday fell on the date of his next murder...at least according to his pattern. We gathered the team together and they brought up the fact about my birthday. Nick said that Milander couldn't outsmart all five of us. He can be such an optimist sometimes. I told him that yes, he could. I was pretty upset by this time, so I just glanced up at Cath. Thank God we have the connection we do because she stepped in and took over for me. I wanted to hug her after the team left, but I just said thanks._**

"Of course I stepped in you goof! We do that for each other...you and me."

**_We got him this time. Sort of. Milander was living a double life. Judge and Halloween props salesman. Oh and I can't forget, serial killer? We also found out that he was born with both sexes and that his parents had raised him female. This whole thing was just completely crazy! We found him dead, in the bathtub of his mother's home. So we didn't catch him, but at least it's over. Milander won't be back. I asked Catherine to come with me and help me take his name off the fishboard. She smiled and held my hand as I did it. It was a perfect moment in my life._**

"I was thrilled to be there for you in that moment." Catherine had to fight back a shiver as she thought about Milander and Gil's birthday falling into his pattern. "I'm just so glad that Milander didn't get to finish his plan."

**_Cath was kidnapped during this last case. I was coming out of the building and I actually saw her driving off with the guy. At first, I was only mildly suspicious. But when I tried to call her cell phone, I heard it ringing in the parking lot. I tracked down the sound and found it sitting on top of her kit, along with her gun. That's when I knew something bad had happened. I thought I was going to die. I had never been so scared in my life. I couldn't breathe. I felt so cold. I just sort of sat there like a zombie, waiting and praying. I don't do that often, but I felt the need to do it in this situation. The not knowing was the worst. When Sara came into the lab and said she'd seen Cath at the café, I was a little bit relieved, but not completely. I knew I wouldn't be able to relax until I heard from Catherine personally. Lindsey was asleep on the couch in my office when she called me. Catherine called. It was actually her voice on my phone! I was in the autopsy room with Al, and when I heard her voice, I had to resist the urge to collapse in relief right then and there. And once I hung up, I did. Thank God Al was there. I would've wound up flat on the floor if he hadn't caught me mid-fall. If anything had happened to her, I don't know what I would have done. Thank God I'll never have to know. It was the first time that I had been forced to face what life would be like without her, and I do not want to ever feel that way or think about it again!_**

Catherine's heart broke. She had felt almost the same way after she had shot Syd Goggle. Gil would probably be dead if she hadn't gotten there. For a few weeks after it had happened, Catherine had been plagued with a recurring nightmare that she'd been late. That she was at the top of the stairs, drawing her gun, when the shot rang out. The dreams came vividly back to her and she hugged herself tightly to keep from shaking. Each night she'd had this dream, she had been jolted from sleep at the sight of Gil's lifeless body - blankets soaked in sweat, tears streaming from her eyes.

As bad as those days had been, Catherine had never told Gil about the dreams. It had been a tough couple of weeks, but each time she saw him, touched him or heard his voice, the nightmare faded a little. Until it was gone altogether.

Catherine remembered the first day she woke from a peaceful, dreamless sleep as if it were yesterday. She had wanted to run into the office and hug Gil, but didn't want to explain why she was acting like a lunatic, so she didn't.

"Hell, maybe if I would've done it, he would've said something or done something to let me know how he felt."

**_I hope I haven't stirred up an already uncomfortable situation. I could blame Cath since she's the one who told me to fix things. I would never do that to her, but I could. We found a corpse out at the body farm. One that didn't belong. I brought Cath in on the case. She said it was creepy out there. Then she pointed out a carpet beetle. Said it was a friend of mine. What a smart ass. Later, I got some grief from the staff about having my experiments in the fridge. Cath was the only one who didn't say anything about it. Maybe she felt bad about teasing me earlier, but I doubt it. I think goading me is one of her favorite things to do._**

A smile threatened to break across Catherine's face, but she resisted it and kept reading.

_**I had Sara clean up an experiment. I guess she's a vegetarian or something and had a major problem with cleaning up the meat. What? Am I supposed to keep a diary of her likes and dislikes or something? Anyway, she came into my office and gave me a letter asking for a six-to-twelve month leave of absence. Said she'd quit if I didn't sign it. When I told her the lab needed her, she got all weird again. I have a feeling she was expecting me to say that I needed her. Of course Cath heard about it. I still have no idea how she found out, but she did. She came over for our normal post-case solving breakfast and started in on me right away. Said she'd 'heard about me and Sara.' It may have been the screwdrivers talking, but she told me that I had to take care of the situation. She said something about getting burned. That she had gotten burned bad in her marriage and that people just moved on. I suggested we just move on because the whole conversation was making me uncomfortable. But she wouldn't let it go. Cath told me that the staff was building a family around me. Once she explained what she meant, I sort of got her point. Sara really is one of the best CSIs around and we do need her in the lab. So I called the florist and sent her a plant. I'm worried that she may get the wrong impression - although it's not like I had them write 'Love Grissom' on the card or anything. But this is Sara we're talking about. I just hope she doesn't think that this is my way of admitting that I have feelings for her. If it does, and if things get worse with her, I don't know what I'll do.**_

"She probably took that stupid plant home and placed it on her 'Altar of Grissom'. With the candles and the pictures and the little cards that say 'Sara loves Gil - forever' on them." Catherine laughed, but then backtracked quickly. "Ok, Cath. Stop it. That was just plain mean."

**_There are some things in life that I guess you have to see to believe. Over the years, I've heard many women, including Catherine, say how men are pigs. And while part of me understood what they meant, the other part of me didn't. Maybe it's because I'm not one. A pig, I mean. I have nothing but respect for women and it always bothered me when someone would say 'Well, you are a man after all. How could you understand.' After this case, I completely understand why women are so pissed off at men. Cath and I were going over Terry Rivers' house. His bedroom actually. Cath was checking the bed for semen. She found some. More than some. It was actually pretty disgusting. Cath said the ratio was about for-to-one...four women per each piece of furniture the hockey player owned. Including the TV. This guy was the definition of a pig. Cath made a comment about him. She said 'I guess our guy is about three things. Pucks, bucks and...' I gave her a look of surprise. The truth is, I wanted to hear her say the word. It's sick, I know. And maybe wanting her to say such a filthy word makes me a pig, but it would've turned me on. She must've misread my glance, because she said 'chicks' instead. I was pretty disappointed._**

"You're a dirty little boy, Gil Grissom..." Catherine said with a grin.

_**We had a very scary case this week. A young woman was found murdered in her apartment, which was completely sealed from the inside. Doors bolted, windows nailed shut. We eventually figured out that a cable repairman was the murderer. He was a real psycho. This guy was living in the attics of peoples homes...stalking and making video tapes of them. I had the entire team work on this one. Cath and I went with the body. While doing the autopsy, Al told us that one of the things he knew for sure was that the victim had been a natural blonde. Both of us glanced at Catherine. I think Al's reason for looking at her was to see her reaction to the news. At least I hope that was his reason. My reason wasn't quite so innocent. I was wondering if I'd ever find out if she is a natural blonde. Cath must've thought we were both leering or something because she snapped 'Why are you looking at me?' All I could do is look away and apologize. Al just laughed uncomfortably. It was pretty embarrassing. Nick was attacked at the suspect's apartment. The guy threw him right out the window. I had Warrick and Sara stay with Nick at the hospital while Cath and I checked out the apartment. We found hundreds of video tapes. It was very creepy. Turns out, this guy was stalking Nick too. Even tried to kill him. Thank God Nick is ok. I give him a lot of crap, but if I'd lost him, it would've been like losing my own son. Holly's death was hard on me, this would've been crushing. For some reason, I couldn't get past this, so I went to Cath's after shift. She was shocked to see me standing on her doorstep. For once, I opened up and told her how upset I was about Nick. She hugged me and reassured me that everything would be ok. I felt so safe and secure in her arms. I should've told her how much I love her, but I couldn't get the words out. So I closed my eyes and fell asleep. I woke up several hours later, still wrapped snuggly in Catherine's arms. It was like a dream come true.**_

"I felt that way too. It was so perfect. Natural. Like we were meant to be together. I should have said something. I didn't because I had no idea you felt that way too. I figured you'd think I was nuts, and I didn't want that."

_**She's gone. Well, for a little while anyway. Miami. That's where Catherine is. We have a situation that involves both Vegas and Miami. I sent Cath and Warrick there to investigate and I'm running this end of the case. Had it been possible, I would've gone with her. But we're the seniors around here and one of us had to stay behind. So I sent Warrick. Them...together...in Miami makes me a little nervous. I have a suspicion that Warrick has a small crush on Cath. I should be one to talk right? Maybe I'm just jealous because I can't be so free with her. So flirty. Like Warrick is. Anyway, as much as I didn't want to send him, Warrick was the best choice. Sara was a definite no. She and Cath put on a good act, but I know they only tolerate each other to keep the peace in the lab. And as much as I love the kid, Nicky is still too, I don't know, green? He gets distracted too easily. With the beaches, the sun and all the women in bikinis... Bikinis. Cath in a bikini. Did she even pack one? Oh, God. If they come back and Warrick says anything about seeing her in a bikini... I mean, sure I saw her topless in the club all those years ago, but that was different. I'll have to call and check in with her often. Just to make sure they have plenty of work to keep them busy.**_

Catherine smiled. She had packed a bikini, but had been so busy with the case, that she hadn't even taken it out of her bag. Gil's jealousy was cute, though. It made her heart flutter a little each time it flared up in his writing.

**_Everything in my world is back in its proper place. Cath and Warrick came back from Miami today. I missed her a lot. I ached the entire time she was gone, but I didn't realize just how much I missed her until she walked into my office. I was adjusting my tie when I heard her voice. I turned around and saw her standing there. I swear I just about fainted. She was radiant...beyond beautiful. My legs turned to jelly and I had to sit down. She said she liked my suit. I had worn it for her, so the fact that she noticed made me happy. Of course I made a joke and said I wore it for the chief's funeral. She saw through my little rouse, just like she always does, and joked about me missing her. She has no idea! I'm so glad she's back._**

Beneath this entry, Gil had drawn another sketch of her. She was standing in the doorway of his office, just as she had the day she came back from Miami. The drawing was perfect, just like the previous one. From her clothes to the soft expression on her face.

"God." Catherine released her breath slowly as she ran her fingers over the sketch. "He really does love me, doesn't he?"

_**I made a complete ass out of myself today. We were having a team meeting and Sara was going over what she'd found in Ashley James' diary. Well, while she was talking about 'not being even', I had to open my big mouth and make a comment about bugs. Japanese scorpion flies, to be exact. I was saying how the males with the most symmetrical wings get the most mates. Catherine looked at me like I'd grown a second head. Then she rolled her eyes. Did I stop there? No, of course not! I had to go ahead and dig myself in deeper. I said that being even in entomology signaled the fitness to procreate. Cath just looked away that time. I felt pretty stupid afterward. Although, maybe if I used the bug analogy...I could tell her how perfect she is. How much I love her. Then again, she could always tell me that my wings aren't symmetrical enough...**_

"Gil, Gil, Gil." She shook her head and chuckled softly. "You and your bugs."

_**After closing the James case, I went to see my doctor. She told me that I have otoscelerosis...but I knew that before I even made the appointment. Having her confirm it, though. God. I wanted to cry. If I lose my hearing, I won't be able to do my job. That's bad enough. What's worse? Never hearing Catherine's voice ever again.**_

**Continued in Chapter 4**


	4. Chapter 4

**Rating**: PG13 - bad words.  
**Disclaimer**: Nope. Still don't own 'em.

**SPOILER WARNING**: This chapter is taken from Season 3. If you haven't seen all eps from this season, you will be spoiled.

* * *

_**This has been one of the worst weeks ever! Some movie star I'd never heard of - Tom Haviland - murdered two women in his hotel room. Well, instead of him being on trial, the CSI's were. My team. Their...no our investigative techniques were called into question. My hearing is so inconsistent right now that I decided it would be best if I supervised instead of taking an active part in the case. Things just got worse as time went on. The defense brought in Phil as a specialist for their team. Of all the people they could choose from, they bring in my mentor. It was pretty tense. He was sniffing around the lab, making everyone more nervous than they already were. Including me. During the trial, I found out that while Sara was on the stand, she was asked about her feelings for me. The defense somehow found a witness that saw the incident when she brushed chalk from my face. It was insinuated that she would do anything for me...even falsify evidence. I guess Hank had moved the victim's bra so he could do CPR on her. He told Sara about it and she filed a report on the matter. But, the defense made it seem as if she was protecting her 'boyfriend', as well as trying to please me by covering up his error. It was ridiculous! From what I heard, Sara handled the situation very well. Thank God. It could've been really, really bad if she hadn't. And that wasn't the only issue. Cath and I were at each other again. First, it was over the proficiency tests. I had forgotten that hers was on appeal. She totally ripped into me about how I wasn't collecting evidence or analyzing anything so I didn't have to be called to testify. She said I was being very politic and that Ecklie must be rubbing off on me. That one hurt pretty badly so I left the room. Then she was on me about the case...how she felt like it was going to be dismissed. I told her not to get ahead of herself. She said she wasn't. That she was out there taking hits with the rest of the team and that I had turned into a lousy leader. She said she needed me...my help, and I wasn't there because I was on the sidelines. Those words snapped me out of my inactivity and I started working on the case. I ended up finding a major piece of evidence against Haviland. It turned the direction of the prelim trial our way instead of his. When I left the courtroom, my team stood and walked out with me. It felt good to be a part of them again. I really hope I never let them down again. Especially Catherine.**_

"I'm sure you will, Gil." Catherine shrugged. "And I'll disappoint you and let you down. That's the way life...and love...goes sometimes. The important thing is what you do afterwards. That's what counts in the end."

**_Cath was attacked at a scene. The gash on her forehead is horrible, but she will be ok. Thank God. I was grateful Warrick had been there for her, but it should have been me. I'll always hate myself for not being there. I tried to talk to her about it, but she said she was fine and left it at that. I could tell she needed to be comforted, but as much as I wanted to hold her and make her rest in my arms, I didn't. I don't think she would've let me do it anyway. She's so independent. Strong willed. Stubborn. I can't change that. I don't even know if I want to._**

Her right hand went up and she brushed at the thin, barely visible scar above her right eyebrow. She couldn't believe that Gil felt guilty for what had happened that day. He'd been blaming himself all this time.

"It wasn't your fault! I've been in crime scenes alone a lot of times. No one could've known that this would be the one time something would happen."

**_Catherine had her first death row inmate come up to his execution date. John Mathers...suspected in the rape and murder of three Western LVU co-eds. Cath was a rookie when she worked on the case. Mathers, who was found guilty in one of the cases, was given a stay of execution at the very last minute on a new evidence appeal. She came to me to discuss it and asked me how many 'executions' I've had. I told her two and asked how she felt about the situation. She started going on and on in her professional opinion - which I know is a defense mechanism. I know that because I use the same one. I wonder if she picked up the habit from working with me? Anyway, I stopped her mid-sentence and told her the answer I was looking for wasn't supposed to be non-responsive. She said she wasn't sure how she felt...hadn't figured it out yet. I tried to explain to her that it's just about evidence. But she's not like me, and I know her well enough to realize that this would effect her deeply. That she was going to be upset. I wanted to reach across the desk and hold her hand, reassure her that I'd be there for her if she needed me. But the shift was very busy and we both had to get back to work. Later in the week, I got called to the coroner's office. A girl's body had been found with the same MO as Mathers' previous victims. I had the entire team put aside what they were working on to concentrate on this case. Turns out, Mathers was a copycat. He was only guilty in the case he was originally convicted on. We haven't found the other killer...yet. I hope we get the bastard soon. I ran into Cath as she was leaving to go watch Mathers' execution. I didn't think it was a good idea that she go, and told her so. She disagreed. Said it was like seeing your first autopsy or first murdered child - if a person can get through that, they can keep doing this job. I commented that the ability to match paint from two crime scenes fifteen years apart is why I keep doing this job. It sounded so hollow. Impersonal. She pointed that very fact out. Told me it was the difference between us. We really are very different. But the differences make me love her even more. She showed up on my doorstep after the execution. I could tell she was upset so I didn't say anything. I made omelets and screwdrivers. We fell asleep watching TV._**

"You always know exactly how to make me feel better." Catherine smiled. "And you're damn lucky you didn't say 'I told you so' or you would've gotten a knuckle sandwich!"

**_Cath had to work on a pretty disgusting case this week. An actual snuff film had been found. She and I actually watched it together. It was one of the most awful things I'd ever seen. But to be honest, as horrified and mortified as I was at the fact that some sick person murdered a girl on video for entertainment...I was a little turned on. Up until the moment of the actual murder, the movie was basically just porn. Rough sex porn, but porn nonetheless. And the fact that I was there, watching it with Cath, was sort of hot. Granted, I knew what was coming up on the video, so that kept things in check. I ended up getting called away to a scene where fire ants were found, so I left Cath to work the case. It was probably a good thing too. I'd have been walking around, thinking about having sex with Cath the whole time. Although I don't know how that would be any different than normal._**

Shivering slightly from the memory of that video, Catherine rubbed the goosebumps off of her arms.

"The man does have a valid point though. It was just porn until the actual murder..." Catherine shivered again.

**_I almost got busted today. I was researching otosclerosis on my computer, and Cath came in to talk about her case. She said she sometimes wondered if people were meant to live together. I commented that 'good fences make good neighbors.' She made a joke about me making a great neighbor. She asked me if I was working on a new case and I said it was ongoing. Well, she bent over my PC and I just managed to toggle to a screen about long-horned beetles. It was a pretty close call. I should just tell her and get it over with. I'm not sure I'm ready to take that step though._**

"Huh," Catherine glanced sideways at Gil's computer. "I didn't think he was that good with this thing."

**_Cath and I took a case at this 5-star restaurant called De Breff. Of course I said the name wrong and I was reprimanded. Taught how to pronounce it correctly. What a smart ass! But I think it's one of the things I love about her the most. There was a body in the meat grinder. I had a little fun and asked her for a hand as I tried to remove the hand from the end of the machine. She gave me an amused look and I about fainted. Then, as we were kneeling beside each other investigating, she said she'd tackle dismantling the meat grinder. I asked her if she really knew anything about it. She said, as she looked me directly in the eyes, 'Male into female parts.' I didn't hear anything she said after that because those words filled me with images of us. Our male and female parts...together. I wonder if she knew? She knows me better than anyone, so I'm betting she did._**

A smirk curled Catherine's lips. She had said those exact words to elicit a reaction from him - even if it was a non-verbal one.

**_My guess is that she said them because she wanted to conjure up those images. She really does enjoy toying with my comfort zone. I can't really say that I mind though. Even with her relentless teasing, there was something so strong between us while we worked. So natural and real. We bonded even more. I wanted to spend some more time with her, so after we closed the case, I invited her to dinner. I offered to cook. She agreed. We met up after shift and went to my place. It was magical. I wonder if she felt it too?_**

"I did, Gil. I really did," she said. "That day...it really felt magical."

**_Our most recent case started out pretty interesting. Some hunters found a bird - a raven actually - in the forest. No big deal, right? Wrong. It had a human eyeball in its beak. I took Cath out there with me. We had to climb up this huge ladder so we could check out the nest. The only thing I could think of was 'The Raven' by Edgar Allen Poe...so I started quoting the poem to her. Cath pointed out the fact that I was doing it while we were up a tree. Then she told me to give her something. I glanced at her out of the corner of my eyes. I wanted to say 'I'll give you something,' but I just quoted more Poe. I wound up working on a different case. I enjoyed spending that small amount of time with her, though. Believe me, I take what I can get when it comes to Catherine._**

"Yeah, I noticed you bailed on the case right around the same time we figured out that we'd be making a trip to the dump to search for the body." She smirked. "Your loss. And if you would've said something to me about your feelings, there is a high possibility that we could have spent a lot more time together...away from work."

**_Sometimes I think that my attraction to other women is a direct result of the fact that I can't have the woman I truly want. I spent some time with Lady Heather tonight. She can read me like a book. It makes me a little bit uneasy. No one, besides Catherine, has ever been able to do that. But it also makes me interested in her. She figured out that I'm going deaf. It was like she was reading my mind. I started to feel off balance emotionally. I reached out and actually touched her face. I came very close to kissing her. Our lips almost touched. But I stopped. I was an idiot to even go that far. Heather knew it, too. I would be lying if I said I wasn't drawn to her, I was. But I was thinking about Cath the whole time. After the embarrassing almost-kiss, Heather and I sat and had tea. As we were sitting together, I began to think back to the first time Cath and I met her. The conversation in the sandbox when I called Cath 'grasshopper' and she called me 'master'. The discussion we had about our 'healthy relationship.' It made me realize that everything that happens to me, everything in my life, somehow links to Catherine. Like one big chain. I found out later that while I was with Heather, Eddie had been in an accident and Lindsey had been in the car with him. The bastard was knocked unconscious and his girlfriend of the week only dragged him out! She abandoned Lindsey in the car, in a canal! Cath had to literally, physically rescue her. Eddie died, but Lindsey is fine. Thank God. Besides Cath, she's the only other person in the world that I love. I tried to reach out to Catherine, but she shoved her hands into the pockets of her jacket and walked off down the hall, saying she was fine. That hurt me so badly that I lost my breath. Especially when I saw her allow Warrick and Nick comfort her. Then again, thinking back on that day, I didn't offer her hugs. I offered her time off. No wonder she walked away. Damn! How stupid of me! I should have tried harder. Reached out more. But I didn't. Not until late, late that night. I had been feeling so guilty about the situation with Heather, that I was sitting in my Tahoe outside of her place, feeling sorry about what had happened. How badly I'd hurt her. The evidence made me think she had committed the murders. What was I supposed to do? Not pursue a solid lead, ignore the one thing that never lies? I wanted to apologize so much, to try and explain, but I knew I couldn't say anything that would make things ok between us again. So, I let it go and made my way to Cath's house. I let myself in and found Lindsey lying in bed with Catherine, comforting her mother as she cried. I settled in next to them, wrapping both in my arms. No one said a word. I wanted to let them get their grief out. To be there for them. I knew Cath wasn't actually crying over what had happened to Eddie. She was crying because of what had happened to Lindsey. Over the fact that her precious daughter had almost died, and was now fatherless. I was heartbroken when I heard the sound of their combined sobs. I held them as tightly as I possibly could, trying to take some of their sadness into myself. To spare them some of the pain. Lindsey eventually fell asleep, so I picked her up and carried her to her own bed. I went back in by Cath and she smiled at me. I sat on the bed for a while and held her hand. She fell asleep too. I wanted to lay down beside her and stay the night. I wanted that more than anything. But I didn't stay. Cath and Linds needed some time together. I didn't want to intrude on that, so I made sure they were both safe, then I left._**

Catherine's heart stopped for a moment as the pain of that couple of days came flooding back to her. Much to her surprise, a small flicker of jealousy ignited within her. She felt it flowing hotly through her veins.

She had liked Lady Heather. They were kindred have been friends. But the fact that Gil had been attracted to her was upsetting. It almost felt as if he had cheated on her, which made her feel silly since they weren't together so how could he cheat on her? The thing was, she knew that Gil was fiercely loyal. An honest guy who would never cheat on anyone, especially her. The jealousy quickly swelled into pride at the thought that he'd resisted temptation, and didn't think twice about being with Heather.

Eddie's death and the tears she'd shed that night? Truth be told, her ex-husband's death had been a relief - a release from her past. The tears were out of shame, out of fear for what had happened, and what the future held, for Lindsey. She's also wept out of need...the need for Gil. Her best friend. Once he'd come, Catherine had been able to get herself back under control.

They hadn't talked about it that night. Didn't say a single word to each other. But words sometimes weren't necessary. Just being in the room with him comforted her more than anything Gil could have said. She was disappointed that he had been gone when she'd finally woke up, but Catherine understood his reasons for leaving.

"Turns out you read me pretty well, too." Catherine said with a slow sigh.

**_Cath told me that Sara found out Hank has been cheating on her. He was having dinner with this other woman when a car crashed through the front window of the restaurant. Sara caught him while she was investigating the case and broke up with him. I guess I feel bad for her...that her heart got broken. I mean I don't like to see anyone get hurt, and Sara is my friend. She doesn't deserve to be treated so poorly. But I am concerned about her falling back into the old song and dance with me. While she and Hank were together, she barely paid any attention to me and I liked it that way. Now? Who knows what's going to happen. I really hope she doesn't start up again. I was finally starting to get comfortable around her...and now this. I guess I'll just have to cross my fingers and hope that things don't get out of hand. I definitely don't need that to happen._**

With a disapproving click of her tongue, Catherine chastised the non-present Hank for what felt like the millionth time.

"As many problems as Sara and I have with each other, I thought it was pretty crappy of you to do that to her, Hank. You should've told her you were seeing someone else. God knows I understood what she felt like when she caught you," Catherine finished with a heavy sigh.

**_Cath and I had a case at the old art movie theater this week. Mentally, we were so close - one mind, one goal. We were close physically too, which of course I would never complain about. Our shoulders kept brushing as we worked and I wondered if she could hear my heart pound harder each time it happened. If she could feel the goosebumps on my skin when she touched me. It turned out to be an easy case. These two women attempted to use the movie 'Strangers on a Train' to try and get rid of their 'problems'. Didn't quite work out for them, though. Anyway, after we finished the case, I invited Cath to go to the movies with me. She said yes! I had no interest in the movie. Never did. I just wanted to be with her. I have been so scared lately. It's getting harder and harder to hide it from her. My hearing, I mean. I need to tell her. I'm not sure how to do it, but I want her to know. I need her to help me through it. It seemed like she was happy to be out with me. She was smiling, which was nice because I hadn't seen her smile like that in way too long. I went in to grab seats for us, she went to the concession stand to get popcorn and a soda. When she came back, she settled into the seat next to me and leaned over. She asked what kind of movies I like. I said 'silent movies'. It was my way of telling her about my hearing. She didn't respond, but I think she understood. The power of our bond sometimes makes words unnecessary. It would have been the perfect opportunity to kiss her, but I didn't. Another lost chance._**

Catherine felt tears welling up in her eyes. Gil had been trying to tell her about his hearing that night. She had sensed something more had been behind his seemingly innocent comment about liking silent movies. At the time, she didn't think to ask what he had meant. Gil sometimes said things that made no sense to anyone but himself. She figured that maybe this was one of them and had forgotten about it. She had never even thought to try and put the pieces together. Now that she knew the truth, the guilt was eating her up.

"I should have known. I could have been there to support you sooner." Catherine choked back her tears. "Damnit, Gil. Why do you have to be so cryptic all the time?" She directed her words at his notebook as if it were actually him. "Why couldn't you have just told me?"

**_Catherine and I had a discussion today and I swear I almost lost it. We were working on the comedian case, talking about absorption of cocaine through the penis. She told me that a man cannot absorb a fatal amount of cocaine through his penis. I asked her to cite her source, but I really wanted to give her the same kind of smart-ass comment she usually gives me. Something about offering to be the test subject in the experiment to prove her theory - minus the cocaine, of course. The thought of her hands and mouth on me... I had to force myself to keep focus the whole day. I, of course, didn't have the guts to say anything. She beat me to the punch later, anyway. We were in the process of testing everything ingestible that had been found at the comedy club. She made a joke that Spam couldn't be absorbed through the penis either and if I wanted her to site her source... I told her it wouldn't be necessary. It may seem strange, maybe even gross, but I swear I'd let Catherine Willows spread Spam all over me if she wanted to. I wish I could be like her...so open. So free with what I say. Maybe someday I will be. At least with her._**

Uncontrollable laughter burst from Catherine when she read his words. She couldn't stop herself and plump, wet, tears began to run freely down her face. Finally, she had to force herself to quit when her chest and lungs started to ache.

"I've seen some crazy stuff. Hell, I've even done some pretty crazy stuff. But Spam?"

_**Today was the most horrific day. There was an explosion in the lab. Sara and Greg were hurt. I tried to comfort Sara, but in the end, I think I ended up hurting her more than helping her. She mistook my affection and concern for much more than it actually was. She started following me around again, like she had at that seminar. Then she asked me out to dinner. I told her no, never thinking twice. Why, after everything, did she think I'd want to go out with her? I hope she finally got the message. The whole thing makes me so uncomfortable, but I don't know what to do about it. Cath wound up getting suspended for five days. I did everything I could for her. The truth is she did cause the explosion, but she was brave enough to face up to it and accept the consequences. She was so sad and miserable. She talked about not having any money, about Lindsey, about working so hard. She said she wasn't sleeping. I was shocked, really. I had no idea things were that bad. She could have, should have come to me. She knows that I would help her in any way that I could. I wanted to hold her and tell her everything would be ok, but as usual, I didn't. When Sara came to my office tonight, she said something that finally brought me to my senses. After I told her I didn't know what to do about our situation (non-situation on my part), she said that she did, and that once I figured things out, it may be too late. I knew she meant between us, but I thought of something else. Catherine. And then, my hearing. I have to tell her. I have to do something. I can't go through the rest of my life like this. My hearing is getting much worse. I need her.**_

That day had been so horrible. Greg could've died. Catherine still felt guilty over what had happened. Greg hadn't blamed her, but she still cried whenever she thought about it.

She hadn't fought the suspension. Five days was nothing compared to what could have been the result of her negligence. The missing pay had been tough on her, but Catherine had dealt with it. Just like she always did when things got rough. Gil had helped. He called her every day to check in. He even stopped by after most of his shifts and brought take out for her and Lindsey. His unyielding support had helped get her through it.

**_Cath totally busted me today. My hearing is so bad now that I can't hide it anymore. There have been a few times during recent investigations when I thought she had noticed that I couldn't hear her. But if she did, she didn't say a word about it. Until we were sitting in the bank's lobby, waiting for the manager. She turned to me and asked how long we'd known each other. I made a snippy comment about days, months or years. Truthfully, I can tell her to the second. I had barely heard her ask the question, so I made sure to look directly at her in case she said anything else. That's when it happened. She asked if I could hear her. The manager walked in before I had to give her an answer. It was in that moment that I knew I had to do something. So I went in and talked to Al. He took a look in my ears and basically told me I needed to have them corrected right now, or it would be too late. I scheduled surgery and finally told Cath. The look on her face broke my heart. I was terrified, but I put on a brave front for her. She was already upset over learning that Sam is her biological father, she didn't need to worry about me. But I really wanted to ask her to come with me. To stay with me until I went in for surgery, but I knew she needed to talk to Sam, so I didn't say anything. I should've known better, because there she was. I was sitting there in my hospital room, waiting for the nurse to come back for me and I happened to look up. Cath was standing in the doorway. She said she wanted to wish me good luck. Then she hugged me close and we held each other for a moment. She was so warm and real. I felt so safe and complete. She was there for me, with me. For the first time since my mother's death, I wasn't alone and I wasn't afraid. God, I love this woman. Maybe someday, I'll have the nerve to tell her. But the insecure little boy inside of me is so scared that she doesn't feel the same for me. And that small part of me would rather love her in secret, than confess my love and have her say she doesn't feel the same. I certainly don't want to ruin our friendship. I guess it's not really just a friendship, it's beyond that. What we have defies characterization, and if I did something to jeopardize that, I think it would kill me._**

Catherine grinned over the memory of that day at the hospital. She had never seen Gil so shaky before. So unsure of himself. It was sort of endearing. He'd looked so sweet sitting there, feet dangling over the side of the hospital bed, like a little kid who was about to get his first shot. And then, how he'd visibly become more confident, secure, at the sight of her standing in the doorway. When she hugged him close, Gil had felt so good in her arms. He fit perfectly within the tight circle of her embrace. Catherine's skin had hummed pleasantly for a long time after they'd separated and he'd walked away.

Her grin grew into a full-fledged smile when she thought of Gil shuffling down the hall, gown partially open, revealing much more of himself than he'd intended.

"I really had to force myself not to yell 'nice ass' after you, my friend." She closed her eyes and called up the image again. "Seriously, nice."

**Continued in Chapter 5**


	5. Chapter 5

**Rating**: PG13 - bad words.  
**Disclaimer**: In my dreams......don't sue.

**SPOILER WARNING**: This chapter is taken from Season 4. If you haven't seen all eps from this season, you will be spoiled.

* * *

Extending her arms above her head, Catherine stretched. Her back was beginning to ache. It had been over an hour since her trip to the break room. Her mouth and throat felt as dry as the desert. She glanced over at the un-opened can of soda sitting on the desk in front of her. Catherine reached out and touched the side of the can.

"Warm." With a shrug, she popped open the tab and took a long swallow. "Bleech! Nothing worse than warm diet Coke."

Pressure was building in her bladder, but she didn't want to take another break and stop reading. Gil's last entry had been right around the time of his surgery. Catherine was about to get into his most recent stuff. She couldn't stop now.

After another swig of soda, and a couple of quick calls to check in with the team, Catherine continued reading.

_**Well, my surgery was a total success. My hearing has been completely restored. Sometimes I think it's even better than it used to be. Case in point, I heard Cath's phone vibrate from across the room at a crime scene. I offhandedly told her I thought her phone was vibrating. When she picked it up, she looked at me with a shocked expression and asked if I'd really heard it. I just grinned and muttered 'uh huh.' She seemed so happy for me. She said 'You're back,' and there was this glorious smile on her face. I winked at her. I couldn't stop myself. Anyway, we had to go to Shimmer for an interrogation on a serial killer case. This cute young stripper hit on me, offered me a dance. Told me that I could be her 'mad scientist'. The thought never crossed my mind to accept, but I'm glad the stripper said it because Cath's reaction was what made the situation absolutely priceless. It was obvious that she was jealous and she became very possessive. She put the stripper in her place by coming to my side, glaring at her, and saying 'He already is, sweetheart.' I know it sounds innocent enough, but it was the way she said it. I actually felt sorry for the girl. I shrugged and followed Cath out of the club. That little display will live in my memory forever. Later, we had to go to the Fez. In the room we were going over, there was one of those vibrating beds. I'd heard about them, but had never actually seen one. Nick told me they were supposed to be fun. That they are supposed to enhance sex. Well, as Cath and I were processing the room, I decided to try it out. I thought it was sort of cool, but when I laid down on it, Cath gave me a funny look. I told her I had to 'think' and she said 'enjoy'. I did think, but the only thing I had on my mind as I laid there was how nice it would be to have the guts to grab Catherine, pull her down on top of me and tell her to do whatever she wanted with me.**_

"If you had stopped and thought for a second," Catherine grimaced at the memory of the hotel room and that bed. "Ugh! You never would have laid down on that thing without putting on a hazmat suit first."

_**I needed Cath to be with me so badly on my most recent case, but I assigned her to a different one. It was the first time in a while that we were working on different investigations, but it was necessary. Mine involved a rape and, later, a murder. A young woman named Susanna was the victim. I was very upset at her death. I felt as if it were my fault somehow, like I should have known something like that might happen. I did have a somewhat pleasant thing happen during this terrible case, though. Susanna's father asked me if I was married, and if I had any children. My mind immediately went to Cath and Lindsey. Technically, as much as I wish it were true, we aren't married. God knows I'm not Linds' biological father, but still - it felt so great for just a moment to think of us as a family. And we really are in many ways. However, being the honest guy that I am, I answered no, that I wasn't married. But telling the truth in this situation felt like a lie.**_

"Oh, my God." Catherine swallowed the lump of emotion that had risen in her throat. "He thinks of us as a family. That is one of the sweetest things I've ever read!"

_**I had a couple of, uh, run-ins with Sara recently. I was pooling the staff to work on Warrick's case, and she got on me about having her own stuff to work on. Normally, I would've just shrugged it off and ignored her protests. But not this time. We only had twenty four hours and I needed everyone on the case. I told her that I was handing out the assignments. That it wasn't a negotiation. Cath was sitting across from me during this little episode and I know she gave me a shocked glance. Sara looked pretty mad, but she didn't say anything more. Later, she and I were re-enacting the assault and yes, I admit, we had to get a little bit close physically. I couldn't believe how uncomfortable I was. I tried to relax by allowing my mind to drift a little. I started to visualize that it was Cath beneath me. Which, now that I think about it, was actually pretty dangerous. What if I'd fallen completely into my fantasy, and had kissed Sara...thinking she was Catherine? Thank God I didn't! While we worked, Sara brought up her application for the key position. Her voice startled me out of my daydream, but I quickly focused and I told her that I knew...I had her application on my desk. She made a comment that what 'did or didn't happen between us shouldn't effect my decision' - like we have this relationship or something and that naturally I would favor her. It was almost as if she thought something had happened. Now I know she's convinced that there is something between us. This all started up again after that damn lab explosion. I only wanted to help her afterwards. I mean, she was hurt and scared. What was I supposed to do? Let her sit there, not try to make her feel better? I couldn't do that. But now things are worse and I don't know how to fix them. I mean, she asked me out that time and I told her no. Doesn't she understand what that means? And it was presumptuous and shallow of her to think I would simply hand this promotion to her, allowing my feelings that 'do or do not' exist affect something that important in the first place. I can't believe she attacked my character and integrity like that! Anyway, that's not really why I'm writing. Later in the day, Cath and I were alone in a dark viewing room. We were standing there, side by side, close enough to touch, watching Jim interrogate the suspect, and she told me she liked my tough act. At first I didn't get what she meant, so she did an impression of me. It was actually pretty good. I asked if it was too much. She shook her head and said 'Not enough'. God, her voice. She sounded so...aroused. It was real deep, like a growl. I know I've said a hundred times that we have a connection, but today, it was different. Sexual. The air in the room was charged with the electricity flowing between us. I turned to look at her and she knew I did, but she didn't look back. She simply stood there with a little smile on her face. I'd like to think she didn't turn because she thought if she did, it would be all over. We'd start going at it and get fired for indecent exposure and lewd acts in public - on company time no less. We were supposed to be working, but it was impossible for me to focus. I kept thinking about her and how many different ways I would love show her my 'tough' side... The only thing I took away from those thoughts was a very cold shower after shift. Once I got home and finally fell asleep, I dreamt about her. We were in my office discussing a case and out of the blue, she kissed me. The feel of her lips on mine was electric. Before I knew it, we were naked, on my desk, going at it like a couple of horny kids. Unfortunately, I woke up and realized it was actually just a dream. That she wasn't with me. How depressing.**_

Catherine thought back to that day. It had been several weeks before but she felt like it had happened yesterday. When Gil verbally slapped Sara down at that meeting, she had been shocked. In the past, when it came to Sara, he seemed to give her a lot of space to do her thing . She knew now Gil did that specifically because of how the young CSI felt about him. But when he laid down the law with her, it had turned Catherine on. She never would've guessed that Gil Grissom had a little bit of bad boy hidden within the bug boy.

"If we had been somewhere more private," Catherine mussed to the room, a small smirk on her lips. "That man might've been in serious trouble."

**_Cath and I had a very rude awakening. Our latest case was an infant left alone in a car. He was the twelfth one this year. When I checked the temperature inside the car, it had been 145 degrees! 145 degrees, damnit! I don't have my own kids, but I just can't understand how a parent could forget that their child is in the car with them. I brought Cath a blanket to wrap the baby in. I had hoped to give the onlookers the impression that there was a possibility that the child was still alive. To them, when we removed Joshua's body from the car, Catherine and I must have looked like a couple with their child. And in a different circumstance, it would've felt so natural. Catherine was taking it hard, but of course, kept it together as best she could. I stayed strong for her and to tried to keep myself together as well. I know she was thinking about when she had to rescue Lindsey. I certainly was. I helped her gather all the evidence, process the car and then let her run with it. I joined Warrick and helped him. I missed working with Cath, so I was glad to have lots of things going at once to keep me busy. It was actually fun bouncing back and forth between cases. I got a ton of paperwork done, too. Catherine would be so proud of me! She came back later and filled me in on the details of her case. The parents had murdered Joshua. They had already lost one son to Tay Sachs disease and were worried that it was going to claim their second. The pediatrician had taken an enzyme test to see if Joshua actually had Tay Sachs, but his parents didn't have the patience to wait for the test results. They murdered their own son on a hunch! Like I told Cath, I just don't get people. After shift, Catherine showed up at my house. Her face was flushed with heat stroke. She fainted as soon as she crossed over the doorway. I laid her in my bed and placed a cool, damp towel on her forehead. When she came to, Cath told me she had sat in her Denali, in the blazing sun, watching the heat rise inside the vehicle. She'd barely had the strength to drive here. I asked her why she'd done it and she just answered that she'd needed to feel what Joshua had felt. I nodded and held her. We both cried for him._**

Brushing away her tears, Catherine shook her head. "I still don't understand how someone could do that to their own child. Even if he had been sick. Sitting in that car, in that heat. It was..." She choked back a sob. "Torture."

_**There are some very strange people in the world. I've seen a lot of things since coming to Vegas, but this one tops everything. Even the stuff at Lady Heather's! Cath and I got called out to the highway. Car vs. truck accident. Head-on collision. Run-of-the-mill stuff, right? You'd think so. But after searching the area, we found a dead guy in the bushes. He had been struck by the car. Thing is, he was wearing a raccoon suit. We IDed him and Cath went to his apartment with Jim. They found out that the guy was participating in PAF Con - Plushies and Furries. I'd heard about them, but had never actually seen them. So, of course, Cath and I had to go. I couldn't resist. She was a little freaked out, but I was fascinated. Although, I guess it is slightly weird. Dressing up in an animal suit and, to achieve sexual satisfaction, rubbing against someone else in an animal suit. Ok...it's a lot weird. Catherine was pretty uncomfortable during this one, which surprised me. The only time she seemed ok was when we were alone with each other. That made me feel pretty good. When we were going over the raccoon suit, I noticed how detailed and intricate it was. Cath said she'd dated a guy who was a mascot and wore a suit similar to the one we had. I felt a twinge of jealousy rush through me, which was so stupid considering the fact that she had dated that guy long before she knew me. Anyway, she made a comment wondering what had happened to people having 'normal sex'. I asked her what she thought was normal. I really wanted to show her what I consider normal sex, but I just sat there and waited for her to say something. When she didn't answer, I told her that the only 'abnormal sex' is not having any at all - which I guess means I've been having abnormal sex for a very, very long time! But, I digress. I went on to say that everything else came down to opportunity and preference. She made a comment that she liked hairy chests, but wasn't about to 'bop' a six-foot weasel. I was so tempted to come back with 'How about a five-eleven workaholic who knows a whole hell of a lot about bugs?' The words were on the tip of my tongue, but that's where they stayed.**_

"You know," Catherine thought back on the case. "When we went to that private party, the - uh - fur pile party I guess it was called, I actually got a little bit turned on. I was standing there, watching them scritch or yiff or whatever the hell they were doing, and I couldn't stop myself from thinking about you." Catherine addressed the notebook sitting on the desk in front of her. "I wondered what it would be like to roll around like that with you."

A small sarcastic laugh escaped her. She felt her lips pull back into a large smirk.

"Minus the dog and pony suits. I, for one, prefer skin."

**_Cath is driving me crazy!!! The way she's been dressing lately...I can't even concentrate! She always looks sexy, don't get me wrong, but over the past few weeks, she's been wearing these low cut, tight tank tops and t-shirts. I've been walking around here with a continuous hard on. People are going to start asking me why I've been taking so many showers in the locker room during shift! I'm not complaining, not at all. She looks scortchingly hot and I love it, but it's all I can do to stop myself from grabbing her, throwing her down in the middle of the lab and having my way with her!_**

Catherine laughed and glanced down at her clothes. She was wearing an outfit she'd just bought. A corral-colored button down silk shirt...only one button open at the neck. Fitted, but not tight, black pants with an ornate silver clasp on the waistband instead of a button or snap. It was sexy, yet fairly conservative. Had she chosen it because she knew Gil wouldn't be around? She thought back on what she'd been wearing when he was here, and realization of the truth hit her hard.

"I have been dressing more sexy lately. And I guess it really has been only when he's around. I didn't even realize I was doing that. How weird."

_**I had to take a trip to Jackpot. Al got a head in the mail and we tracked it there. I left Cath in charge and went alone. I knew I'd miss her, but I didn't think I'd need two people to work this case - especially two senior people. I ran into some problems with the local police though. I think they felt like I was stepping on their toes or something. No one would cooperate, my Denali was broken in to...stuff like that. The case would've been an easy one if things had gone well. Maybe if I had sent Cath, or if she'd come with me, the 'good old boys' in Jackpot would have been more helpful. Men sometimes have a tendency to cooperate better with a beautiful woman. Anyway, aside from the bumps in the road I encountered, something interesting happened. Catherine called me early in the investigation. She wanted to know when I was coming home. I hedged and she wondered if I had decided to take my trip to avoid case reviews. I originally dodged her about it, but then asked if she'd take care of them for me. I already knew she would since there was no way she'd be able to work in my office with all the crap everywhere. I actually heard her reaction when she saw my desk. I knew I'd owe her big time when I got back. I figured she would rip me a new one, but she didn't say anything about it. I told her I'd make it up to her and hung up. The sheriff asked if I had been talking to my wife. Without even a moment's hesitation, I answered yes. That she hated it when we were apart. A day or two later, the coroner/vet/whatever else the guy was to this town, interrupted me while I was working to tell me my wife was on the phone. When I picked up the call, I smiled and said 'Hello, dear.' I couldn't resist. Then, as I was leaving Jackpot, the sheriff asked me if I ever kept secrets...even from my wife. I thought about the secrets I've kept from Cath over the years. My hearing. My feelings. Oh, and don't let me forget the fact that I knew Ed had been cheating on her... I made a mental note that two had been taken care of and that I had one more to go. I told the sheriff I used to keep secrets, but that I was trying to change. 'It's a bitch,' was his comment back to me. Don't I know it! The entire drive home, I kept telling myself that it was time to talk to Catherine. I had waited long enough. I had to tell her that I'm in love with her. I can't keep on pretending that I only want to be her best friend. It's wrong and it's a lie. When I pulled into the parking lot, I had gotten up enough nerve to actually say something. Until I saw her. She was walking out of the building when she saw me. She jogged over to my SUV, hugged me, said welcome back and started walking away. I called out to her and asked her to wait. But when she turned around, she looked so beautiful standing there in the bright sunlight, that I choked up. I managed to say something like 'It's good to be back.' She smiled, blew me a kiss, and left. Damnit! Why can't I just say it? Why is 'I love you' so hard to say? It's making me crazy!**_

"I don't know what's going on with you, but I really wish you would say something because now you're driving me crazy!"

**_Good God! What a rotten couple of days! A suspect in a murder, this photographer, Delhomme, said he'd only work with Cath. 'The pretty one' he'd called her during Sara's interrogation of him. Boy, was she pissed off by that little comment! I gave the case to Cath since she had the in with this guy. He was attracted to her. I guess I can't blame him for that, but it still bothered me. I wasn't comfortable with the situation, so I worked the case with her. This guy...he gave me the creeps. Staring at Catherine all the time. Undressing her with his eyes - that's the only way I can describe it. My protective instincts kicked in and I was not about to let her out of my sight until we had him securely behind bars. So without hesitation, I allowed my feelings for her to guide me. I showed her favoritism. Nick and Sara got upset because I gave away their case. Well, Sara was anyway. She'd been really hard to deal with lately and I knew this would make things worse. Nick acted like an adult about the situation, but I know it bothered him too. The sheriff asked me why Cath had chosen Greg to work with her on such a high profile case. I wondered the same thing, so I brought it up with her. Once she explained, I understood. In the end, she did me proud. Just like she always does. Like I knew she would. Delhomme was found guilty and went to jail. When I first shifted the case to her, Cath asked if I'd have her back. She knew Sara and Nick were angry. I told her that I always have her back. The look I saw in her eyes and the emotions that passed between us in those moments said it all. I wanted her to know that I believe in her and trust her completely - both professionally and personally. Giving her this case was one way to show her. I wanted to add that I also wanted her on her back, but besides the fact that I'm too chicken to open my mouth, it was neither the time nor the place to admit my feelings. During the investigation, as we were going through some evidence, she made a comment about how many girls come to Vegas and how many fail. I glanced over at her and said that some do make it. She knew I meant her. She's worked so hard to get where she is...she has made it. After all was said and done with the case, we sat side by side, close together in the break room, me with my cup of coffee, her with her Dasani water. As we watched the news, I told her she did well and she modestly replied that she'd had help. I was concerned about the situation with Nick and Sara, how it was affecting her...so I asked if things were ok with them. She said yes. That they are professionals. Personally, I don't care how Nick and Sara feel about my decision. I know I made the right one. But I do care how Catherine feels._**

"You, Gil Grissom, are partly responsible for my making it. If you hadn't come into the Palace that night, who knows where I'd be or what I'd be doing today..." Catherine shuddered with the thought of a life without being a CSI. Without knowing him.

_**I almost lost her...again! A car exploded outside the Orpheus. I knew it was going to be a high-profile case. The sheriff had almost been killed, so I thought it would be best if Cath and I worked the case. We got there as quickly as possible. I asked the sheriff if the area had been swept for secondary bombs and he said they were given the all clear by the bomb squad. Not thirty seconds afterwards, there was another explosion and what sounded like gunfire. As soon as I heard the first 'boom', my instincts kicked in. I dove for Catherine, protecting her with my body, and pushed her against the SUV. Under any other circumstances, I would have been completely turned on. But the only thought I had in my head was 'Must save Cath. Must make sure she is safe.' I didn't care about myself...only her. I pressed myself against her as tightly as I could. Making myself a human shield. I refused to move until I was positive it was completely safe. We originally thought there was a sniper in the area, but it turned out there were rounds of ammunition in the trunk of the bombed car. The explosion and fire that followed heated up the rounds and they went off. The explosion really freaked me out, but I didn't want Cath to know how upset I was. So we just went on as if nothing had happened. Turned out the target of the bomb was a CIA agent who was also a bigamist. One of his wives was the person who had built and placed the bomb in the car. I don't get people like that. Why would a man want or need more than one woman? If I had Catherine, I would be complete. I wouldn't need, nor would I want anyone else. I don't even have her and I already feel that way.**_

"Poor, naïve Gil." Catherine laughed sarcastically. "That's sweet and all, but welcome to the real world."

**_Anyway, this guy we brought in was covered with a chemical that was found on the bomb components. He said he'd helped his son build a volcano for a science fair. We, of course, had to check out his story, so Cath and I went to his house. I couldn't believe it...there was a volcano sitting on the table. Catherine started flashing back to fifth grade. It was adorable! She had built a volcano for her science fair. As soon as she started telling her story, I knew how it was going to end, so I just smiled. She said she didn't win first place because some other kid had built a 'lame red ant colony.' She looked over at me, saw my smile, and did a double take. She pointed at me and said 'That was you!' I just agreed, but told her my ants were Black Argentineans. That was the only time during this entire case when the thought of losing her wasn't on my mind. I was grateful for that small moment of silliness. I can hardly wrap my mind around the idea...the possibility that I could've lost her again. If she had gotten hurt or died in that explosion, I don't think I would have been able to go on living._**

"But, I'm fine. Nothing happened. You could've gotten hurt yourself. Or killed." She sighed heavily. "But you didn't even consider that did you? You only wanted to protect me."

**_Well, I finally made my decision. I recommended Nick for the key position. I know I'm going to catch hell from Sara about it, but Nick really deserves it. He completely proved himself to me this week. He's going to make a great lead. Sara...she's a skilled CSI, I'm not denying that fact. She is also qualified to be a lead. But, she's awfully volatile. Nick, he empathizes with the victims in his cases. Feels for them. But those feelings do not cloud his thinking or judgment. Sometimes, Sara lets her feelings grab a hold of her and she blows up. A lead can't do that. I'm not saying that I want a bunch of Gil Grissom clones walking around the lab, but I do want CSI's who can control and regulate their emotions no matter what the situation calls for. I know I've broken that rule once or twice over the years. So has Catherine. The thing is, we don't allow it to happen often. Sara, she does. I'm not looking forward to seeing her once she finds out about my decision. I called Cath after I sent in my recommendation. She was one hundred percent behind my decision, which made me feel good. She did complain that promoting Nick meant that Sara would be staying on night shift. She said she was only kidding, but I know her. Cath would've been happy to see Sara leave our shift, but knew she wasn't completely ready to be a lead. I wish I could've recommended Sara...to make Cath happy. Who am I kidding? I would've made me happy, too. But it would have been a bad move for everyone involved, especially Sara. During our conversation, Cath invited me over to have dinner with her and Lindsey. Of course I said yes. We had grilled cheese sandwiches and ice cream sundaes...Lindsey's favorite meal. It was one of the best dinners of my life. Being with them? It makes life worth living._**

"Well, it's good to know you're a man of simple tastes, Gil Grissom." Catherine allowed a soft grin to curl her lips. "Lindsey will be thrilled to hear that you share her love of fine cuisine."

**_Oh, God. This last case. Oh, shit! It was so bad! I'm still not sure how to get past it. I knew there was going to be trouble as soon as I got the call. I came here, to the scene alone...and there she was. Lying on the bathroom floor. I had to do a double take. That woman, Debbie, looked just like Sara. For a minute, I just stood there, in complete shock, staring at her body. I think my heart may have stopped beating for a second or two. By the time I fully recovered, the team had arrived and were waiting outside. I saw Sara standing there and I swear, a huge weight floated away from me. I was so thankful she was ok. As much as I complain about her, I do care. She is my friend, and my co-worker. Sometimes, I even feel like she's sort of my daughter, so I'm glad she's safe. I couldn't allow her to go into that house - to see Debbie - so I took Cath with me. She was the best choice anyway. She's my foundation, my rock. I can handle any situation if Catherine Willows is there with me. This was a very tough case, though._**

Catherine shivered as memories of Debbie Marlin's face returned to her. "She was...God. She could've been Sara's twin. It was one of the creepiest things I'd ever seen."

_**I knew I was in for the long haul on this one. I had no intention of resting until I found something... anything to help us figure out who had killed Debbie and why. Every time I walked into that bathroom, even after the body had been removed, I saw Sara's face. In the mirror...everywhere. It was very unsettling. I think I'd been at the scene for almost eighteen hours when I heard Cath's voice. At first I thought I had hallucinated it. But when I looked up, there she was, standing at the end of the hallway. She looked like an angel. She was obviously concerned about me. She convinced me to take a break and eat something. I thought she had maybe brought something, but she didn't and said she was going to check the fridge. I made a joke that we were going to have to replace whatever she found, but she didn't reply. I went out onto the patio to wait for her. The fresh air outside actually relaxed me a little bit. It was sort of cleansing. When Cath brought me yogurt and peanut butter, I was actually starting to feel almost normal again. Until she mentioned taking a shower. I knew when she said 'we should talk about a shower,' she meant that I should go home and take one, even before she clarified the fact for me. And, so help me God, as focused as I was on solving this case, I swear I would've dropped just about anything (momentarily, anyway) if she had suggested joining me in that shower. I knew I gave her a strange look because that's when she clarified by saying she meant at my place. That I needed to go home. I almost said I'd go if she'd come with me, but I just promised to leave when we found some evidence. We were talking through the events, and she started going on about showering, cleaning up, oiling up. When she got to 'sexed up', I was so distracted, all I could think to do was to suck the peanut butter from my finger and suggest we go to the bedroom. If we had been anywhere else, I'm almost positive that Cath would've realized that what I had said had two very separate meanings. One much more appealing than the other. Anyway, we checked the room and found some red silk ties on the sides of the bed. Cath made a comment about some guys needing leverage. She thought it would embarrass me. I'm not sure why though. I just commented 'They do?', but I could've said 'Well, I don't. Wanna see?'**_

Catherine giggled.

"Jeeze, Gil. For someone who always seems so focused, so serious all the time, you sure have a lot of interesting thoughts running through that big brain of yours."

She paused and ran her fingers through her hair as she arched her back in a long, refreshing stretch. A soft moan of tension being released passed over her lips.

"Now, if you'd just open your damn mouth and say something about them, maybe we could take care of some business."

_**We finally figured out who killed Debbie. A doctor she had worked with. But he was playing hardball. Wouldn't confess. Jim tried everything, but the guy wouldn't budge. As the doctor and his lawyer were leaving, I launched into this, I don't know, story I guess. I wanted him to think we were kindred spirits. So I started talking about how we had spent our whole lives completely dedicated to our work. How we only touched other people with our latex gloves on...never letting anyone in. Then one day, a young, beautiful woman comes along and offers us a new life. And how we could see ourselves really caring about her. I told him that I couldn't do it. Couldn't give anything up. But that he had. She had shown him a whole different world. But in the end, she took it all away. Found someone new. So he had killed her and her new lover. When I finished talking, I just sort of sat there, thinking about what I'd said. It had been a gamble. One I had taken because I knew no one would ever know about it. Except the doctor, his lawyer and Jim. And I'm so glad that Jim was the only one on the staff who had heard my little tale. It puts my mind at ease, at least a little bit. I can't even imagine what Sara would think if she'd been there. Yes, I do. She would consider it a confession of my feelings for her. Jim even asked me about it later. Was I talking about me and Sara? I swear I almost lost it, but I just made it very clear to him that I wasn't talking about her. If Cath had overheard? I know she would've thought I was talking about Sara too, and that would be horrible. I mean, she is the one who actually said how much Debbie looked like Sara. That she could've been Sara's twin. Anyway, no one else was there, so I'm safe. And in truth, I wasn't even talking about anyone. I was getting into the shoes of the suspect. Trying to make him see me as a friend. A confidant. 'Hey man, been there - done that. I feel for you. Tell me your story.' That type of thing. We knew he had killed Debbie, but a confession would've been the icing on the cake, so to speak. I just wanted to give him that final push, you know? I guess it worked, he confessed later on that day. He's going to spend a very long time in prison. I'm still having a hard time putting this case behind me though. It's been some time now, yet I still get chills every time I see Sara. I've started avoiding her - only seeing her when I absolutely have to. I can't tell if she's noticed, but it really doesn't matter even if she has. For right now, it's necessary. For me, for my state of mind, anyway. God. I'm so glad no one heard me in that interrogation room......**_

Catherine was speechless. As she was reading Gil's words, jealousy rose within her and her heart began to plummet. Even though he'd said he wasn't talking about Sara, part of Catherine didn't believe it. Debbie had looked just like her! How could he not be talking about Sara?

"Don't be stupid and childish, Cath." She shook her head roughly from side to side as she scolded herself. The green streak of jealousy disapated almost as quickly as it had come. "You've been sitting here, in this chair, for well over an hour, reading Gil's journal. Has he said he loves Sara? Even once? No. So why in the hell are you behaving like a twelve-year old?"

Catherine brushed her fingers over her face and was shocked to feel moisture. She hadn't even felt the tears forming in her eyes, let alone falling to her cheeks.

"God," she said with a short laugh. "I am such a baby! Gil and I aren't even together and I'm acting like he dumped me for Sara. Get a grip woman! Sheesh!"

_**She went out tonight. Catherine. She went out...on a date. Well, I don't know for sure that it was a date, but going by the way she was dressed, I'm pretty positive. Part of me is so jealous that I could see myself going out, finding them, and throttling this guy, whoever he is. Telling him to stay away from my woman. My woman? How pathetic is that? We aren't even together, but I think of Catherine as mine. The other part of me is completely numb. I had an opportunity to tell her how I feel, that I want to be with her, and I totally wussed out. AGAIN! And now, she's out with someone else! I haven't been able to leave my desk since she left. I've been sitting here, for two hours, wallowing in my stupidity, and thinking about the past few days. But I guess I should start at the beginning. Cath and I got called to a crime scene within hours of getting off shift. I had been watching the World Series of Poker (A fact that I still can't believe I admitted to her! She must think I'm such a loser!) because I couldn't sleep. I asked if she'd gotten any sleep and she said about a half hour. She still looked incredible though. She had on this tight blue tank top under a black jacket and skin tight dark gray pants. God. Then to top it off, she pushed her sunglasses up into her hair...I love it when she does that! It makes her look both innocent and sexy at the same time. Anyway, a club owner, Mike Trent, and his wife Laurel had been murdered in their driveway. Cath and I checked things over and made the decision to rollout the entire team, including Greg. Then, about halfway through the case, I called Catherine into my office. Her performance evaluation was due, and if I didn't get it in, I'd get written up. She showed up in the exact same outfit she had been wearing when we got called out to the Trent house. I'll be honest, she should wear blue all the time. It really looks great on her... But I've gone off-topic yet again. When I asked her what her goals were, Cath launched into a personal tirade. No. Tirade isn't the right word. I guess it was more like a wish list. She mentioned wanting two nights off in a row, cutting her triple shifts in half, and finding a good, reliable babysitter so that she could have a personal life. Inwardly, I smiled at her admission. For a change, I didn't feel so bad about not having a personal life myself. I was slightly shocked that she didn't have one, though, so I asked about it. That's when she dropped a bomb on me. She said she hadn't had sex in seven months. My internal glee expanded at those words. Cath hadn't had sex with anyone in seven months!!! I wish I was the cause of her half year of celibacy, that she hadn't been with anyone because she wanted to be with me. But I know that couldn't possibly be the case. The first thing I thought of was that it had been a lot longer than seven months since I've had sex. The second thing that popped into my head was 'How can I help?' But instead of just thinking it, I actually said the words. Out....Loud.... I knew my face turned red. I felt the heat of the blush creep over my cheeks. I thought for sure that Cath would make a joke, but she didn't. She didn't say anything...just smiled. And if I hadn't known better, I would've sworn that smile was a challenge for me to finish the thought. The thought she couldn't possibly know was swirling around in my head at that very moment.**_

"Well, I didn't know what you were thinking, Gil," she paused as a blush colored her own features crimson. "But I know what I was thinking."

_**I should've just stopped, let my words hang there in the air, but I didn't. I added 'You...advance, I mean.' Which I didn't mean. I felt the magic of the moment slip away and it made me so sad. I told her that as supervisor, it was part of my job to train someone to take my place. She seemed shocked and asked if I was going somewhere. I said something like 'you never know' under my breath and basically sidestepped her question. Then she asked if I was considering her. I told her that yes, she's qualified...but... And, boy was it a big but. I brought up Sam Braun and the fact that she had used our DNA lab to establish her own paternity. I knew it was going to lead to a fight, but I had to say it. The fact that she had even done it called her judgment into question. I wanted to make sure she knew that I knew. I hadn't put the DNA thing in her eval and she asked if I was covering for her. I just told her that I considered the matter dead...handled internally. Then I asked her to sign her name on the eval. That's when she dropped her second bomb. She said that Sam had given her a check. That she'd cashed it. I asked how much, but she didn't give me a figure. Our fight escalated into conflict of interest concerns and the possibility of compromising the lab, not legally but ethically. She said she'd never do that to me or the lab. Which of course I knew, but it was still an issue. I asked if there was anything else I needed to know. The way she looked at me in that moment, like I had attacked her with my words, broke my heart into a million pieces. 'That's everything,' was all she said before signing her name and leaving. God. I felt so bad I almost chased after her to apologize. I 't. I think we were trying to avoid each other or something, because I didn't see her again until after the case was closed. She came by my office after shift. There she was, standing in my doorway, looking incredibly sexy in a low-cut tank top and tight leather jacket. I swear I stopped breathing for a second. She'd stopped to let me know she was leaving for the night and asked if I needed anything. My heart was screaming 'Yes! I need you! You, damnit! You!', but my mouth refused to cooperate. I just told her that I was good. The words sounded so hollow when they reached my ears. She must have thought the same thing, because she asked if we were good. I had to think for a minute before answering. I wasn't really sure if we were ok, at least not at that moment, so I told her that we would be. My answer seemed to satisfy her. She said 'Ok, see you tomorrow,' and started to walk away. I wanted her to stay a little longer, so I called after her and asked a question I wasn't sure I wanted the answer to. 'You goin' out?', I heard myself say. Catherine turned back to me and said she had 'unfinished business' to take care of. The look on her face made it obvious that she had a date. I watched her walk away, a part of me dying with each step she took. So here I sit, broken-hearted and alone. But it's not Catherine's fault. She has a life to lead. I'm the one who isn't man enough to tell her how I feel.**_

Below this entry, was another sketch. Of her. Standing in the doorway to Gil's office.

"No, Gil, it's not my fault, you big dope!" Catherine brushed away a fresh batch of frustrated tears. "Had you just opened your mouth, made a move, something, ANYTHING, Chris and I..." She sniffled at the thought of her current lover. "Well, we never would have happened."

Chris.

Catherine sighed. She liked Chris. A lot. He was attractive and very, very nice. He treated her like a queen and she hadn't been treated that way in a really long time...if ever. She was enjoying their relationship.

"But," she said, tracing her fingertips over Gil's words and drawing. "He's not you."

_**I saw them tonight. Together. Cath and her new 'friend', Chris. At least I think that's what his name is. She hasn't told me about him, and I don't know how to feel about that. In the past, she's been pretty open about her personal life. At least with me. But not this time. It makes me a little sad. Then again, I'm not sure I could handle hearing about him...about them. Not that it was easy with any of the others, it definitely wasn't. Lately though, I've been having a hard time dealing with the way I feel about her. I've been lashing out, over-reacting to things. It all started after the discussion we had during her evaluation. Since that day, when I actually said what I was thinking and Cath really seemed to be genuinely interested - the moment I ruined by opening my big mouth and changing the path of the conversation - things have been strained between us. Then, on top of that, I had to ask Sara for a favor. I needed her to process a woman for me. I didn't want to, but I had no other choice. When she brought me her results, I just stared at her. I'm not even sure why. I still haven't figured it out. She looked overly tired. Worn out. Maybe, like me, she's been having trouble sleeping. Anyway, she brought me out of my trance with a snippy 'What?' I said I hadn't seen her in a while, but she answered that I see her every day. I don't know, maybe I've been so caught up in my own personal stuff over Catherine, I haven't been paying attention to the rest of the staff. That scares me a little. What if my personal shit starts to interfere with my work. What if I screw up? God...something's got to give, and soon. Then again...it's possible the thing that needs to give is me. Maybe it's time for me to be a man and tell Catherine how I feel. I should have stopped her from leaving with him tonight. I should have run to his car, grabbed her by the hand and pulled her to me. I'm such a fool!**_

"Should have, should have, should have!" Catherine slammed her closed fists down onto the notebook. "I would've gone with you! Damnit! I would've abandoned Chris sitting there in his car and left with you!"

_**I was assaulted. I still can't believe it. Our most recent case involved a guy who had a serious anger management problem - to say the least. Jim and I were interrogating him. I got up and started scrapping under his fingernails for evidence. I had barely started, when he lost it and sprung on me, grabbing me by the throat. It took four cops with billy clubs to finally subdue him. He actually died, but not from what the cops did. Anyway, Cath showed up immediately to work on the body with David. She came out of the room to check on me. She asked if I was ok and the 'I'm fine' that came out of my mouth was 100 standard Gil Grissom issue. Catherine knew it. She's heard the same two words from me way too many times to count. She reached out to touch my bruises, and while I long for the moments when she does touch me, I flinched a little. She commented that it looked like a hickey. I pushed her hand away and felt myself smirk. There are moments like these when I feel like she and I are in high school. At least that's how we act. We talked a little longer, but as much as I'd love to spend every second with her, we had a case to solve. Later, we were in my office discussing the case and Cath's cell phone rang. I knew who it was as soon as she started talking. She turned her back to me and I couldn't help but feel jealous. I overheard her tell him, Chris, to 'hold that thought until later'. I swear I turned green with envy. How I wish it had been me on the other end of that call. She hung up and apologized. She made the comment 'A new friend.' I said congratulations, and I knew I sounded sarcastic. Hell, I was sarcastic! I'm not happy about it. I almost said so, but Greg came in and interrupted us. I was relieved because he saved me from saying something I would probably regret later. Then again, if I had said something, anything, years ago, I might be the one holding on to thoughts of her, waiting for her to come and fulfill them with me.**_

"Gil, I just don't get it. How can you live you life like this?" She shook her head from side to side. "Reading about your feelings is like watching a tennis match or a kid with a yo-yo. Back and forth. Up and down." She rubbed her temples and laughed softly. "It's giving me a migraine."

_**I swear I don't know how much more of this I can take! This past week, the team had been working on the Desert Relay Race investigation. Our lab was taking part in the race along with numerous other teams. That's where my most recent set of problems started. Everyone from night shift, with the exception of Jim and myself, was running. Cath asked me if I would be her follow car. I accepted, of course. I figured I'd get to spend some one-on-one time with her in a safe, non-work related situation. That I wouldn't spend the entire time dwelling on the fact that we aren't a couple. That I wouldn't be drooling over her like I normally am. More proof at how utterly stupid I really am. She showed up for the race in a tight running suit - black shirt, blue shorts. They left nothing to the imagination. And she had her hair in braided pig tails. PIG TAILS! I had to force myself to keep breathing, not to mention the fact that I was driving and had to watch the road. I turned on the CD player as an attempt at distraction. The music I had chosen was Chariots of Fire. It was supposed to be sort of a joke. I thought she'd get a kick out of it. Maybe even get a little inspired to race harder. She didn't. 'Sedative' I think was the exact word she used to describe it. So I switched to the radio. Country music. She didn't appreciate that choice either. I finally found some rock station. It was playing a song that gained her approval. The only line I remember hearing from it is 'Are you gonna be my girl?' Are you, indeed? I need to get a hold of a copy of that song so I can hear the rest. I bet either Greg or Nick has it. I'll have to check with them. Anyway, I happened to glance out my window and saw a race flasher blinking in an area that was off the race course. It struck me as odd, so of course I had to check it out. I knew I was going to stir up a boatload of trouble with the staff, especially Cath, but something about the situation seemed, I don't know, off. Turns out, my instincts were right on. The blinker was attached to a dead runner - Tim Coleman. Boy was Cath pissed. I heard her yelling for me the moment she realized I was pulling the SUV away from her. When she finally reached me, her wrath was at full steam. She asked if I was taking a leak or something and continued on about training and CSI's...until she saw the body. Once she realized what was happening, she calmed down. I was almost sad that her anger disappeared so quickly because she looked so hot standing there in her fit of fury. I guess it really doesn't matter. It wasn't like I could keep my eyes off of her anyway - no matter how hard I tried. During the entire case, it was like my gaze was magnetically drawn to her. Whether we were hovering over Tim Coleman's body or going through evidence at the lab. At one point, I was so turned on that I had to actually send her away. We needed Coleman's race bag, so I asked Cath if she'd go get it from his teammates. As she walked out in her tight white tank top, I wanted to throw my jacket over her. I didn't, though. Part of me, the semi-logical part that is, figured that, given my reaction to her outfit, the guys at the race would be too busy drooling over her to be any trouble. Oh, I was jealous though. Later on, we were going over evidence, looking though the microscope, and Cath brushed against me. I know she must have felt my erection, but she gave no indication that she had noticed anything. Working with her on this case was definitely worth all of the cold showers and, what's the phrase? Black balls? No, no. Not black. Blue. Blue balls. That's it. The cold showers and blue balls I had to endure. Well worth it.**_

"I actually did feel that little 'expression' of your feelings, Mr. Grissom." The corners of her mouth curled upward. "And believe it or not, I almost threw down the gauntlet right then and there. I was so tempted to make a comment like 'use it or lose it', or maybe 'put up or shut up.'" She laughed. "Use it or lose it? Put up or shut up? Blue balls? God. Maybe we should be back in high school!"

_**There was an accident at the Pharoh's Fever roller coaster...my most recent case. When Jim showed up at the scene, he called me 'Dr. Thrillseeker,' and inwardly, I laughed. It made me feel sort of cool. I would never admit that to anyone though. Anyway, I worked with Sara, Nick and Greg on this one, and sent Cath to work with Warrick on a DB found near some train tracks. I would've liked to have her with me, but Cath doesn't share my love of roller coasters. As a matter of fact, I think she downright detests them.**_

"That's for sure." She shivered. "Hurlting down a rickety track in small cars with questionable seatbelts? By choice? I'll pass."

**_I've tried to take her with me, when I'm winding down after a tough case, but she always says no. It's something I'd really love to share with her. It's not like I can force her to go, though. I wouldn't even try - she'd probably kick my ass. Anyway, I checked in with Warrick to see how their case was going. He told me that when they first arrived at the DB, Cath started talking about the bugs that were on the corpse and all around it. 'It was creepy, man. Like she was channeling you or something.' When I hung up with him, I think I laughed so hard I hurt myself. My lungs still ache. It was nice to hear that I'm rubbing off on her. Although, I'd rather be rubbing on her._**

Laughter burst from Catherine. It came so hard and so fast that she almost choked on the air she inhaled. With eyes tearing, she reached out for her warm soda and took a long drink.

"Bleech! Warmer than before. Then again, warm diet pop is better than choking to death...on laughter." She smirked at her own words. "I wonder if that's even scientifically possible. Choking on laughter. I'll have to ask Gil. If anyone will know, he will."

_**Well, I finally had to do it. Remove Catherine from a case. And this time, I had to stick to my decision. Then again, she didn't put up her usual fight either. Maybe she knew it was best for everyone involved. It was hard though. I really wanted to work with her. It's been a while and I've missed her. The case involved Sam Braun and his casinos, and there was no way I could allow her to work this one. Especially after the whole check mess. But, the way she looked at me when I told her she had to go home, that she was off the investigation, it broke my heart. And afterward, when she was gone, I felt sick. I knew she'd go to Chris. Spend her time off with him. The thought of them together almost made me pick up my phone and call her back, reassign her to the case. But, I knew that would be a mistake. For the sake of the lab, the investigation, and Catherine herself, I had to keep her away from it. So, I swallowed the nausea that had risen inside of me and got to work. She did come to me once, with some information about the case. She mentioned the tire tracks she'd found at the neon graveyard. I made an off-handed comment about 'the case she wasn't working on.' From the glare she gave me, I could tell she wasn't amused. She snapped back at me. Told me that she'd seen Sam. That he'd come to her. I told her that I hoped she had walked away, but she said she'd made him walk away from her. I guess he had gotten into a limo and when it pulled away, she noticed that it had a very wide turning radius. I told her that it didn't prove anything, and that any evidence that came from her would be tainted. She said I should have it come from me...someone whose character was above reproach. God, her words just about killed me. She thinks I'm above reproach? Above making mistakes? I jeopardized the entire lab by not coming clean about my hearing! But her words also meant that she felt I thought she wasn't above reproach. That I don't trust her judgment. She should know better! I trust her more that anyone! I trust her with my life! I wanted to grab her and hug her, but I knew she'd feel like I was patronizing her. So I let her walk away. To make things worse, Sara and I got into it too! I told her, in my own subtle way, that she should think about taking a vacation. She snapped at me, asking how long it had been since I'd taken one. And you know what? She's right. Maybe I do need some time away. Clear my head. Get my feelings back under some kind of control... Anyway, I met with Sam. Looked over his holding room in an attempt to find some sort of evidence that our victim had been killed at the Rampart. Sam made a comment that really struck a nerve with me. He asked which bothered me more, not being able to pin a murder on him, or the fact that Catherine had cashed his check. He told me that there were no strings attached to his money. I simply replied that just because you can't see something doesn't mean it's not there. Not that I believe for one minute that Sam could buy Catherine off. I mean, she's made mistakes, who hasn't? But she would never compromise herself like that. The problem is, it still makes me uncomfortable knowing she took his money, father or not. In the end, it turned out that Sam had nothing to do with the vic's death. We found no evidence connecting him to the crime. Sara and I went over his limo and found nothing. Although she did bring up the promotion. Ugh. Here was the moment I knew was coming, but definitely was not looking forward to. She was angry that I had recommended Nick...obviously not a surprise to anyone. She said she thought I didn't have a problem with her. How was I supposed to respond to that? I just told her that I don't have a problem with her. That I recommended Nick because he didn't care whether or not he got the job. She quipped that it was a stupid reason. And, maybe it was, but I let the subject drop. I didn't owe her any kind of explanation anyway. And if I had started trying to give her one, I knew that I would've ended up screaming at her. Telling her to look in the mirror and try to figure out why she didn't get the promotion. Look in the mirror and decide what she needs to do with herself...to find herself. Or at least start the process of getting herself together. But I didn't. I'm not like that. Not a cruel person. Maybe if I was, she and I wouldn't be in the position we're in. If I could just say 'Sara, get over your school girl crush on me and move on,' she could get over it. Then again, if I'd just tell Catherine how much I love her...**_

Catherine sighed deeply.

"As much as it sucked to be removed from a case..." She paused and re-thought her words. "As much as it hurt to have you take me off of that case, I understood."

_**I just wrapped up the strangest, most depressing case. This woman, Linley Parker, had been raped. She was the perfect victim, scientifically speaking. She had seen her attacker, gave a perfect description of him to the forensic artist. Gave a partial description of his license plate and car. She even, without any hesitation, picked this guy, Todd Coombs out of a police line-up. I thought we had a slam-dunk on this one. The only problem was that the DNA from the semen we found didn't match Coombs' DNA. When Catherine told Linley that we had to let him go, that the DNA didn't match, she became upset, understandably so. And, to be honest, I was pretty upset too. I mean, everything, EVERYTHING we had pointed to Coombs. Except the DNA. The results proved that only seven out of thirteen markers matched - leading us to believe it could have been his brother who had attacked Linley. So we let him go. Then, God, Linley was murdered. She called Catherine as it was happening. She rushed to the scene immediately, then called me. We traced Linley through the GPS chip in her cellular phone. Needless to say, she was dead. It was like Susanna all over again. How could I have failed another victim? The worst part, besides Linley's senseless death I mean, is that Todd Coombs was guilty. He was the rapist. Murderer. She had IDed the right man. The thing is, Todd Coombs is a chimera. He has two separate DNA strands within his body. As much as I'm so thankful that we found out the truth and that justice has been done in this case, I'm still devastated over Linley. So, here I sit, at my desk, trying my hardest to make some serious decision about the direction of my life. I've seen so much disappointment, so much pain, so much death, in my life, that it's time for some happiness. And the one place where I know I'll find happiness is with Catherine. With Lindsey. With the people I love most in this world. As soon as I finish up here, I'm going over there and I'm telling her everything. I can't let another day go by. If I do, I may as well be dead. I can't let any more time pass me by...without her.**_

Tears were spilling down Catherine's face as she read. The wet drops fell from her eyes and splashed against the paper. Catherine choked back a cry when she realized that the ink was smearing because of her tears. She quickly blotted the page before any serious damage could be done.

There was only one more short passage beneath the one she'd just read. Then nothing. Catherine knew Gil had not made it over to her house that night. She hoped this explained why.

_**Damnit! Why does this always have to happen to me?! I just got a call. Sara was picked up for a DUI. The arresting officer let her off as a professional courtesy. The legal limit had just been lowered...she was just above it...he cut her a break. She's damn lucky! A DUI would have ruined her career! What is wrong with her? Jesus! It's like she's deliberately trying to sabotage herself. Now I have to go pick her up and take her home. I guess I just have to put my happiness on hold one more time. I just hope it isn't too late for me.**_

His words ended. There was nothing further. Closing the cover, Catherine sighed and glanced at the telephone. She hesitated for only a split second before picking it up and dialing the number. He answered on the third ring, his voice scratchy and rough with sleep.

"Hello?"

"Did I wake you?"

"Yeah, but that's ok. What's up?"

"Uh... well... I sort of... um."

"Cath, is everything ok? You sound funny."

There was a long pause. Catherine had pulled out her wallet. Inside, next to a picture of Lindsey, was a picture of them. Gil and her. They had been interviewed for an article on forensics for a magazine. Catherine had become friends with the woman who had written the piece. She had sent Catherine a few wallet-sized copies of the picture that had been taken of them - publicity shots to accompany the article. Catherine had given a copy to Gil and had kept one of her own. It had been in her wallet ever since. She was tracing her fingers tenderly over his face when his voice startled her.

"Hello? Are you still there?"

"I'm coming over," she said.

"But..."

Catherine hung up the telephone before he could protest. She called Warrick told him she had an emergency. That he needed to take over shift. She placed the photo back in her wallet, flipped the notebook closed, slid it under her arm and left the office.

**  
Continued in Chapter 6**


	6. Chapter 6

**Rating**: PG13 - bad words and minor sexual content.  
**Disclaimer**: As if......

**SPOILER WARNING**: Only minor spoilers in this part. If you've read the previous sections, it is safe for you to proceed.

* * *

Gil was standing at his front door when Catherine pulled into the driveway. His heart was pounding behind his ribs as he watched her get out of the car. Her voice had sounded so strange when she called and he was very concerned. Gil shivered and wrapped his arms across his chest. He couldn't be sure if his chills were a result of the cool night breeze blowing through the shorts and t-shirt he'd quickly thrown on, or if it was out of anxiety. He rubbed his arms vigorously and rushed down to meet Catherine.

"What is it?" Gil's nervous voice rattled in his ears. He reached out, placing his palm against the small of her back, and led her into the house. He closed the door behind them and turned back towards her. "What's wrong?"

As she turned to face him, Gil noticed that her eyes were bloodshot, her face flushed, cheeks slightly puffy. Catherine had been crying. Anxiety was quickly replaced by fear, and it raced through him. Its icy fist gripping his heart like a vice.

"God, Cath. Please, tell me what happened!"

Gil watched as Catherine slowly pulled a notebook from under her arm. His mouth dropped open in shock. A blush rushed across his features and Gil knew she could tell by the look on his face that he recognized exactly what she was holding in that hand.

"What is this, Gil?"

"Cath, I......"

"Seriously. What is this? I don't understand. Is it supposed to be a joke or something?" A stray tear coursed down her cheek and Catherine, frustrated, brushed it away with a swipe of her hand.

"How did you find that?"

"How did I find it?" The sharp tone of her voice stung his ears. "I was digging through that wreck of your desk trying to get some work done, and there it was! Under the damn folder of shift forms!"

A smirk threatened to form on his lips. Catherine gave him hell about his desk every time she was in charge of a shift. She had no idea that he sometimes left his desk messy on purpose just so that she would have a reason to talk to him. Well, yell at him, actually. But he knew that if he allowed the corners of his mouth to curl upward, Catherine would become even angrier that she already was. And Gil Grissom definitely did not want that.

"But I don't keep that notebook in my desk," he said, genuine innocence and mild confusion infusing his words.

"Obviously not." He cringed as she waved the book in front of his face. "So, if you don't keep it there, maybe you can explain how it wound up here, in my hand."

Gil paled as realization set in. He had been bringing the notebook to the office ever since the Orpheus explosion. Almost losing her had really freaked him out, and Gil thought he might need the journal with him - just in case things got bad. And they had. When Gil found out that Catherine had started seeing Chris, he'd almost lost it. His only outlet for those feelings had been his notebook, although Gil couldn't remember actually writing much about the man Catherine was dating, but just the comfort of having his journal nearby had been enough to get him through some tough spots. Out of habit, he'd always put it directly into his bag when he finished writing in it.

Always

Then Gil remembered. That shift...his most recent...had been unusually busy. Cases coming in, paperwork stacking up. Then Sara had gotten busted for DUI. He remember writing about that quickly after he'd gotten the call to come get her. Gil wracked his brain to try and figure out what had happened next. It was a vague blur.

Gil heard a frustrated sigh come from Catherine as he stood there and struggled with the memories of that night. As it started coming clear in his mind, Gil swallowed roughly. When he'd gotten the call from the station, he'd been so angry and frustrated with Sara, that he'd taken all of the paperwork and folders that had been sitting on his desk, and shoved them into a drawer. At the time, even though he'd just written in it, Gil hadn't realized his journal was included in that mess. He'd completely forgotten about it. That had been only twenty-four hours ago, give or take, and Gil had been so preoccupied with trying to straighten out Sara's mess, that he hadn't thought about the journal.

Until now.

And here was Catherine, standing in his living room, with his most private thoughts, about her, about everything, right there grasped tightly within her fingers.

"I'm waiting for an answer, Gil."

"I don't know what to say."

"Well, why don't you start by telling me why the hell, for the past twenty years, have you been telling a journal how you feel about me, instead of telling me how you feel about me?"

Catherine's eyes stared accusingly into his. Goose bumps rolled along his skin in waves as she glared up at him. Catherine was a little bit scary when she was mad. She was also excruciatingly gorgeous at the same time. He shifted his feet slightly to relieve the familiar pressure that was building between his legs.

"Cath, you know I'm not good at this stuff. I never have been." He turned and started to walk towards the kitchen. Gil felt Catherine's fingers close over his forearm. She stopped him and forced him to turn around.

"No." Her hair flipped around her face in a silken wave as she shook her head from side to side. He could smell the soft scent of her shampoo. It was intoxicating and Gil felt as if he might faint. "Not good enough this time, Gil. I want an explanation."

"There is no explanation I could give you that would be good enough," he replied softly.

"Try."

A long sigh escaped him.

"Ok. But, let's sit first."

Gil reached out his hand to her. He half expected to have it batted away, but was extremely pleased when Catherine placed her small, soft hand into his. He led her across the room and they sat down on the sofa. Grasping her hand firmly, he ran his free hand through his hair. When he turned to face her, he saw eyes that were dark and filled with uncertainty.

"This book," he paused and reached over to pluck the journal gently from Catherine's hands. He looked at its cover, trying to gather his thoughts, to think of the right words to express what he needed to say. "This book is about love. And hope. And sex. And dreams. It's about me. And it's about you."

Gil stopped speaking again. His eyes began to fill with tears, but he held them back as best he could. A few managed to escape and they cascaded down his cheeks. With a quick brush of his hand, they disappeared. Glancing over at Catherine, he again saw the uncertainty reflected in her expression. Gil knew this was it. The moment he had been waiting for was here. Right now. He took a deep breath to settle himself enough to continue.

"Catherine, I have never met anyone like you. From the first time I saw you, I knew it. When I saw you up there on that stage, God, almost 20 years ago, everything else fell away. I think I was in love with you before you even spoke to me. But I also knew I would never be able to tell you that."

"Why not?"

"I don't have the guts to go after what I want."

"That's a blatant lie, Gil Grissom. I've seen you at work, day in and day out, go after what you want. There are people who are almost afraid of you because you don't stop until you get what you want."

"That's different, Cath. It's work, it's the job. It's not something personal."

"There have been cases that have gotten per..."

Gil cut her off by placing his fingertip to her lips.

"Stop, Cath. You know me well enough to understand what I mean by 'personal'."

Her eyes dropped from his and she nodded.

"But we've been through so much over the years, and you never told me. Never even gave me a clue that you felt this way. I guess I just can't understand why."

"Fear of rejection mostly. The idea of telling you, only to have you reject me...it was almost too much to bear. It would have killed me."

"But you don't know that I would have rejected you."

"I know. Like I said, just the idea of it was frightening enough to stop me from ever acting on my feelings. And there were other reasons."

"Really? Like what?"

"Well, there's the job."

"Job?"

"Yes, we work together. If things didn't work out, I was afraid that it would affect our working relationship."

"Ok. What else?"

He paused before answering so he could lift her chin with his hand. When their eyes met, he continued. "You were married, Cath. So that was a big reason."

"But, according to your own words, you've had feelings like this for a long time. Before Ed and I got married. Why didn't you say something back then?"

"I was younger, very stupid and easily intimidated by beautiful women." He smiled softly at her. She returned the smile. "Still am, I guess. Stupid and intimidated, anyway." He shrugged. "But the two most important reasons were our friendship and Lindsey."

"Oh, Gil. I'll give you the first two reasons. But, you know I'll be your friend always. No matter what happens. I think I've proved that over the years."

He nodded but didn't speak.

"And Lindsey? She loves you. She's loved you since the moment she was born!"

"I know and that's the point. I love her too, and I wasn't going to be the one to split her family apart no matter how I feel about you."

Gil stroked his fingertips along Catherine's cheek and she closed her eyes. His skin tingled with the contact. They sat in silence for a long time. Soundless minutes ticked past, neither of them speaking. Gil's nerves began to tighten to the snapping point. He had to say something, but wasn't sure what.

"Cath..." His voice echoed in the silence.

"I just wish you had said something." Catherine's eyes opened and met his. They were filled with sorrow. Gil watched as a single tear slid down her face.

"I'm so sorry." He brushed away the teardrop with his fingers. "I've never regretted anything more than keeping silent all these years."

"Things could've been so different. In both our lives."

"I don't understand. What are you saying?"

"If you would have told me how you felt, right from the start, our lives would be very different."

"Do you...I mean...are you saying that you have feelings for me too?"

"Of course I do. You know I do."

"No, I mean 'feelings'. Do you feel the same way I do?"

"Yes, Gil. I think maybe I do."

Catherine smiled and Gil's heart soared. He cupped her face in his hands.

"You have no idea how happy that makes me. I've waited so long for this day. I thought it would never come." He glanced away shyly. "Uh...I'm going to kiss you now. I think I might be pretty bad at it."

It was Catherine's turn to reach out and touch Gil's face. When her fingers made contact, he turned his eyes back to her.

"Impossible," she replied smiling. With a soft laugh, she continued. "And you don't have to announce that you're going to kiss me. Or ask permission either. Just do it."

Her laughter was music to his ears. It soothed him.

"Ok. Sorry."

Gil inhaled deeply and closed his eyes. Leaning forward, he brushed his lips tentatively across Catherine's. They were even softer than he had imagined. The kiss was slow and timid, but Gil still felt it all the way down to his toes. When they parted, he inhaled again and captured her lingering breath in his lungs.

"Wow." He exhaled slowly. "That was...I don't...I can't... even... describe..."

"Don't." Catherine laughed once more. She wrapped her fingers into the front of his shirt and pulled him towards her. "Just shut up and kiss me."

Gil Grissom was more than happy to comply. He leaned in again and their lips met. There was no sign of tentativeness this time. Gil pulled Catherine tightly against him as their kiss deepened. His lips parted, allowing her tongue to enter his mouth. When it slid warmly over his, Gil's breath caught. Heat flooded through his veins and pooled into his groin. As his erection grew, so did his confidence.

Sliding his hands around her waist, Gil shifted and pulled Catherine off the couch onto his lap. He felt her legs curl around his back. They tightened and warmth pulsed from her center, heating his groin beyond the boiling point. As their tongues danced, Catherine began to grind her pelvis against him. Gil broke the kiss with a gasp.

"Wait, Cath..." he pleaded breathlessly, gripping her hips with his hands and stopping her movement. "You gotta stop. You're killing me here."

Catherine's confused expression startled him.

"God, no..." Gil quickly reassured her with a smile. He placed his palms on her cheeks and kissed her. "I don't want to stop, it's just been a really long time since I've done...and, well, if you keep doing that, it'll be over before it even starts."

Catherine laughed at his shy, embarrassed grin. She stood, pulling him up along with her.

"Well, we don't want that, do we?" Her voice was low. Deep. Like that day in the viewing room. It vibrated within Gil and he could only answer by shaking his head. He watched Catherine walk slowly behind him. Cool air kissed his skin as she slid her hands beneath his shirt, pushing it up and over his head. Shivers shook Gil, goosebumps following in their wake. He was certain that this time, it wasn't the chill of the air causing him to quiver.

It was Catherine.

She was brushing her lips over his exposed back, her fingertips following behind. Feather-light touches floated along his skin. Gil felt as if he would either faint or burst wide open.

He wasn't sure which would come first.

Gil attempted to turn, to face her, but Catherine stopped him. He felt the tip of her tongue slide down his spine and his testicles tightened in response. Her skilled hands found the drawstring on the front of his shorts. Before Gil knew what had happened, his shorts dropped to his ankles and Catherine's warm, soft hand was wrapped around his rock hard member. She squeezed and Gil's breath locked in his lungs. Every muscle in his body constricted tightly, his back arching into her hand.

"Cath..." he barely managed to squeak out.

"Shhhhhhh." Catherine's warm breath flowed over his skin as she massaged his erection, squeezing and releasing. Gil began to thrust his hips in rhythm with her hand. He felt his orgasm building and he groaned deeply in his throat.

"Cath, I'm about to..."

Before Gil could finish his sentence, Catherine had released his penis from her grasp. His eyes flew open. She was standing in front of him, a smirk on her face.

"What?"

"Did you honestly think I would let you go over the edge right here in the living room?"

"Let me...go? I don't underst...."

She began to unbutton her blouse. The corral colored silk parted, revealing a lacy bra in the exact same shade. Gil grinned.

"What?"

"You're underwear matches your clothes."

"So?" Catherine gave him a challenging look, but her voice didn't match the expression. "You got a problem with that?"

"God, no! I think it's adorable." He reached out and pushed the slippery material from her body, replacing it on each shoulder with a kiss. "It's one more thing I can add to the list of what I love about you."

"Is that a long list?" She asked, her eyes twinkling.

"Mmmmmm hmmmmmm," Gil sighed as he brushed his lips over her exposed collar bones. "Longer than you'd ever believe."

Catherine drew in a long breath as his lips passed over the tops of her breasts.

"You'll have to tell me about it someday."

Gil nodded as he began fumbling around the front of her pants, attempting to find a button or a zipper.

"Where the fu....," he mumbled under his breath.

Catherine laughed softly and moved away.

"Sorry, Gil." She turned her back to him, exposing the silver clasp on the rear cuff of her waistband. I just bought these. I thought the back clasp was sort " Glancing over her shoulder, she shrugged and gave him a sheepish grin.

"Cool, huh?"

"Hey, it's not like I got dressed today knowing we'd be here getting ready to... I just wanted to look...cute."

"Oh, believe me, you look more than cute." Gil reached out and tried to open the jigsaw puzzle of a clasp. He threw his hands up in mock surrender. "But if you don't help me with this damn thing, I'm going to have to rip your 'cool' pants off of you, ma'am."

"Alright, alright!" She reached behind her back and easily opened the latch. Lowering the zipper, Catherine carefully pushed the expensive pants and the corral-colored thong down her legs. She folded them neatly and placed them on the couch. "So much for high fashion."

"Catherine," Gil picked her up in his arms and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek. He began to carry her toward his bedroom. "I don't care what you have on. You could be wearing a CSI jumpsuit, or a blue running suit, or even a paper bag. You would still be the sexiest, cutest, most adorable woman on the planet."

Gil placed her on his bed.

"You're such a charmer, Gil."

"I'm not kidding. I'm completely and totally serious," he said as he lowered himself down beside her. Sliding his hand over her exposed abdomen, Gil leaned down to kiss her. "A paper bag, Catherine."

Gil lazily trailed his lips down the front of Catherine's body, pausing occasionally to kiss her soft skin. She tasted like strawberry ice cream. He glanced up at her and smiled slightly.

"Yes?" She asked, returning his smile. "Can I help you?"

"Your skin tastes like strawberry ice cream."

"Oh that. It's a new kind of body lotion. I bought it because I thought it was sort of...."

"Cool?" He smirked at her.

"Smart ass."

"Maybe so, but," Gil paused to slide his tongue over her flat abdomen. "I'm looking forward to tasting the 'real' Catherine Willows. Minus the 'cool' lotion."

As Gil continued down her thighs, he felt goosebumps rising under his lips. He placed gentle kisses on each of Catherine's ten, perfectly painted - to match her clothes, of course - toes before working his way back upward to her mouth. When he reached his desired destination, he captured her lips with his and lowered his body on top of hers.

Their kiss turned passionate quickly. Gil felt Catherine's leg slide up and over his thigh. It settled securely around his back. Sweat began to form on their bodies, mingling together on Catherine's stomach, in a slippery pool of moisture. When Gil felt her other leg begin to move around him, he adjusted his body slightly. His erect penis was now pressing gently against the warm, slick opening between her legs.

Before he could thrust forward, joining them together, Catherine broke their kiss with a gasp.

"I want you to say it, Gil. Before we go any further. I want to hear the words come from your lips."

"I love you, Catherine Willows. I always have. I always will."

Fresh tears slid down Catherine's cheeks and he brushed them away with his thumbs.

"I love you too."

Gil placed his palms on the sides of her face. As he slid inside of her, he leaned in closely and brushed his lips softly across hers.

**  
  
Continued in Epilogue**


	7. Epilogue

**Rating**: PG13 - bad words.  
**Disclaimer**: It's the last section people...

**SPOILER WARNING**: Only minor spoilers in this part. If you've read the previous sections, it is safe for you to proceed.

* * *

"Warrick, Sara, you're with me. Two dead bodies in neighboring rooms at the Palms. No connection between the vics at this point. Catherine," Gil paused and smiled slightly. He looked up from his paperwork, and when their eyes met, the smile spread across his face and up into his eyes. Clearing his throat with a cough, Gil continued. "You and Nick will be working a DB at the MGM Grand. According to Brass, the vic has already been IDed. Local woman. Joyce Camdan."

"Sounds good. Let's go." Catherine smiled at Gil as she stood and tapped Nick on the shoulder.

"Uh, Cath? Before you go, there are some case files I need to go over with you. It shouldn't take long. Twenty minutes maybe."

"Ok. Nick, I'll meet you at the scene in forty-five, alright?" When he nodded, she continued. "Get started and I'll be there ASAP."

Gil gestured toward Sara and Warrick.

"You two go to the Palms. Each of you take a room and I'll catch up once I get there. Cath?" He opened the door for her and they left.

Nick glanced at Warrick with a smirk.

"So?"

"Case files, my ass."

"You think?"

"Oh, yeah."

"Ok, you two are speaking Greek. Want to let a girl in on the secret?" Sara asked, clearly confused.

"Isn't it obvious?"

"Uh, no. I wouldn't have asked if it was."

"They're doin' it." Nick said with a chuckle.

"Who's doing what?"

Warrick shook his head. "Sara, you need to get out more, girl. Be more observant. Gris and Cath...are doing it."

"Doing wha...." The question died in her mouth as her mind formulated the answer. Sara's face fell. "How do you know?"

"Didn't Gris seem, I don't know, happier today? Smiling a lot?" Nick stood and began gathering his stuff together.

"Yeah, I guess I noticed that."

"And did you see," Warrick crumpled his coffee cup and threw it in the trash. "That he blushed every time he said her name?"

"Or spoke to her?" Nick chimed in.

"Or looked at her?"

"Ok, I saw that too. I just thought..." She paused with a sigh. "I don't know what I thought."

"Well, think what you want. Those two had sex."

Sara swallowed. "Wow. That came out of nowhere. I had no idea that they were even interested in each other."

"Jesus, Sara." Nick looked at her in disbelief. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Really. Are you blind?"

"No."

"Those two have been hot for each other since I started working with them." Nick laughed. "Shit, there have been times when I almost lost it and told them to just do it and break the damn sexual tension already."

"I noticed that tension was gone the second I walked into the room today." Warrick said as pushed the door open and held it for the other CSI's.

"I guess I've just been ...preoccupied...with other things." She sighed again and walked through the door. Nick followed.

"Yeah, well, I'm just glad they're happy. Maybe things won't be so friggin tense around here anymore."

"Well," Warrick sighed. "We can only cross our fingers and hope."

They laughed and pulled ahead of Sara. She heard the rest of their conversation as they moved away.

"Come on, Warrick." Nick said as he turned the corner. "The boss-man's gettin some. Things are bound to improve. Hell, they can't get worse."

"I hear that brother." More laughter. "Hey, Sara?" She heard Warrick call. "You coming or not?"

Sara had paused at Grissom's office. She glanced through the window and there they were. Catherine and Grissom, going over paperwork. Yesterday, the scene would have looked so innocent, so normal. But today...

Sara watched them as they worked. The way Grissom's eyes twinkled when Catherine looked at him. The way her hand brushed his when she pointed out something in a file...and lingered a little longer than was necessary.

They looked...happy.

Sara turned away from the office and caught up with Nick and Warrick.

"Yeah." She said with a heavy heart. "I'm coming."

**  
The End**


End file.
